Kristen Stewart offered role of Snow White, and more hot topics for the week of Feb. 11, 2011

1. Mike Tyson to be contributor to O magazine’s poetry issue
Would an ode to the chomping of Sir Holyfield’s ear read more expressively in Shakespearean or Petrarchan sonnet form?

2. Larry the Cable Guy to host show on the History channel
I think the History channel is getting a bit carried away. On all WWII documentaries, D-Day is now referred to as ”The Day We Got-R-Done.”

3. Lindsay Lohan is under investigation for allegedly stealing $2,500 necklace
Feel-good comeback stories come and go, but an 18k gold necklace with semiprecious stones is forever!

4. Jennifer Aniston reveals she turned down SNL for Friends
I can only dream of a world in which my mother never got the Rachel.

5. Ziggy Marley creates comic book starring superhero named Marijuanaman
By day he’s a mild-mannered reggae star. But at 4:20 p.m., FLAME ON!

6. Rosetta Stone gives Jersey Shore stars Italian-language program to prepare for Italy trip
Turns out, J-Woww translates as J’Mamma Mia while The Situation translates as Quattro Formaggi. (There is no known translation for Snooki.)

7. Kristen Stewart offered role of Snow White
There’s also talk of reaching out to Robert Pattinson for the role of the never-before-seen eighth dwarf, Pasty.

8. Controversial Kennedys miniseries to air on ReelzChannel
”We’re thrilled to have a new home,” said the producers. ”And speaking of homes, ours doesn’t get ReelzChannel. Does yours, by any chance?”

9. Jon Bon Jovi may reportedly buy share of Atlanta Falcons
No major changes are expected, other than when a player is called for unnecessary roughness, Bon Jovi himself will run onto the field and sing ”You Give Shove a Bad Name.”

10. Woman with 24-inch fingernails angling to meet Oprah
Stay tuned for Oprah’s ”Least Favorite Things.”