Stupid questions for Piers Morgan
Let’s clear up the misconceptions about you. What’s the best word to describe you: smug, superior, arrogant, pompous, or complacent?
I actually preferred Donald Trump’s description of me: ”You’re evil, you’re arrogant, you’re obnoxious…and you’re my Celebrity Apprentice.” [People] either want to lower me into a bowl of sulfuric acid and watch tarantulas finish off the remains or they get it. But I wouldn’t massively quibble with any of those words. Is ”supercilious” in there? It’s similar, but it’s a better word. It’s longer.
If you and Simon Cowell were to have an ego-off — wait, why does this have to be theoretical? Will you please have an ego-off with Simon Cowell?
I have, many times. I sat with him on Britain’s Got Talent, and every single second of every day was an ego-off. I can beat most people in an ego-off, but I don’t even touch the sides when it comes to Cowell. He has an ego of such stratospheric proportions. I describe it as intergalactic — it’s not even a conventional planetary ego.
What did Larry King leave behind in the studio, besides suspenders, a few Commandments, and original fire?
There was the severed head of Ryan Seacrest, who was obviously desperate for the job. It’ll be sitting proudly on my desk every morning to remind me not so much of my joy in getting here, but of Seacrest’s despair.
You banned Madonna from the show…
It can only be rescinded if she makes a formal apology. For all the grief she’s caused me by being Madonna.
She says she doesn’t know who you are. Let’s keep this going. Your turn.
I was interested to see she doesn’t know who I am because Madonna and I have been feuding for 25 years…. When I watched her in the days of ”Holiday,” nothing was sexier than Madonna. Watching Madonna at 52 going out with 22-year-old kids called Jesus and stripping her clothes off for magazines, it’s like, Please, it’s over. We have a new one, it’s called Lady Gaga.
Former AGT judge David Hasselhoff’s reality show lasted two episodes. Did A&E wait too long to pull the plug?
I was halfway through celebrating the news and then discovered that David was replacing me on Britain’s Got Talent. They said, ”We found just the person to replace you — someone with your intelligence, humor, and talent,” and I said, ”Justin Timberlake?” And they said, ”David Hasselhoff.” At which point I went down to Beachy Head in the south of England, where people hurl themselves off like lemmings into the cliffs.
We’re almost done, but you haven’t said anything bad about Omarosa. What’s up?
I’ve gone from a position of wanting her dismembered and her entrails dragged through the streets of Beverly Hills to something a little softer. Now I’d just like to stick her in an underground cellar for the next 10 years with Stephen Baldwin. I’d let her live. I’ve gone from wanting her dead to wanting her to suffer an eternity of torture with Stephen Baldwin.