Welcome to the eighth day of EW’s Big Shill Bracket Game, brought to you by interesting grooming habits! For this round — the last in the top 64 — Colonel Sanders’ Van Dyke beard faces off against the Empire Carpet Guy’s well-installed upper-lip hair, while the Brawny Lumberjack’s disappearing mustache battles Flo, the Progressive Girl’s mountainous poof. But, wait! There’s more! A bathroom cleaner tries to wash away Honey Nut Cheerios’ king bee, and a disembodied hand attempts to grab the win from a hip tuna. Check out the entire bracket here to see the other shillers battling for advertising supremacy, but first, click the jump to vote for your favorite in this hair-raising round!
FLO, THE PROGRESSIVE GIRL (Stephanie Courtney)
Product: Progressive Insurance
Debut year: 2008
Claim to fame: Flo doles out chipper insurance advice to clueless consumers in the world’s cleanest-ever insurance store.
Strength: Never-ending enthusiasm. Also: Bumpit.
Weakness: Did we mention the enthusiasm never ends? Also: Bumpit.
Product: Brawny Paper Towels
Debut year: 1974
Claim to fame: The lumberjack has made housewives (or househusbands) swoon with his cleaning skills — and that rockin’ bod.
Strength: A Tom Selleck level of hotness — with or without the mustache.
Weakness: With that flannel shirt, you can’t take him anywhere… besides the woods or Brooklyn.
EMPIRE CARPET GUY (Lynn Hauldren)
Product: Empire Today
Debut year: 1977
Catchphrase: N/A (It’s not him who sings the catchy “800-588-2300 Empire” jingle)
Claim to fame: Hauldren — an advertising executive who worked on the Empire account before being asked to be the campaign’s face — has brought wall-to-wall satisfaction to houses across America, and has provided us with the most memorable phone number since “867-5309.”
Strength: Ability to transcend live-action/animation barrier at will.
Weakness: Inveterate procrastinator. Why is it always “next-day installation” and never today?!
Product: Kentucky Fried Chicken
Debut year: 1950s
Claim to fame: The Colonel founded Kentucky Fried Chicken in 1930 and lent his face to the company long after his death in 1980.
Strength: That Van Dyke, of course.
Weakness: Sloth. (How energetic would you be if you ate nothing but fried chicken for 80 years?)
Product: Scrubbing Bubbles bathroom cleaner
Debut year: It’s complicated (Scrubbing Bubbles was once owned by Dow before being sold to S.C. Johnston & Son.)
Catchphrase: “We work hard so you don’t have to.”
Claim to fame: Working in packs, the Scrubbing Bubbles have waged war on soap scum and tub stains in consumer’s bathrooms.
Strength: God-like powers (If cleanliness is next to… ).
Weakness: Years of wage-free labor could incite unionization.
BUZZ, THE HONEY NUT CHEERIOS BEE
Product: Honey Nut Cheerios
Debut year: 1979
Catchphrase: “Be happy, be healthy.”
Claim to fame: Buzz has provided tasty, healthy breakfasts for the whole family — and edible craft supplies for kindergartners around the world.
Strength: Built-in buzz.
Weakness: Susceptible to Colony Collapse Disorder.
THE HELPING HAND
Product: Hamburger/Tuna/Chicken Helper
Debut year: 1977
Catchphrase: “One pound. One pan. One tasty meal.”
Claim to fame: The Helping Hand has helped moms and dads across the country by offering cheap, bountiful meals with a calorie count that will please the kiddies.
Strength: Born to high five — er, high four.
Weakness: Lack of definite opposable thumb. Also: Potential scandal surrounding disappearance of other hand.
CHARLIE THE TUNA
Product: StarKist Tuna
Debut year: 1961
Catchphrase: N/A, but was always told, “Sorry, Charlie.”
Claim to fame: Though the beatnik tuna tried to prove he was hip enough for StarKist fishermen, he was continually rejected since StarKist doesn’t “want tunas with good taste, they want tunas that taste good.”
Strength: He’s always aiming to please.
Weakness: A disturbing desire to be killed and eaten. Plus, berets are so mid-’90s.