Elves and rabbits and Italians, oh my! Day 5 of EW’s Big Shill bracket game throws some of our most beloved corporate mascots into the Advertising Thunderdome. Our first creature match-up pits the cookie-slinging Keebler Elves up against Snap, Crackle, and Pop, those lovable gnomes who successfully made Rice Krispies seem kind of cool when you were a kid. Next up is the long-eared showdown: the lovable Nestle Quik Bunny vs. the beleaguered Trix Rabbit. Then we move over to the Human(-ish) Divison, where canned pasta entrepreneur Chef Boyardee will try to defeat Little Caesar’s pizza-munching legions. Lastly, Miss Chiquita Banana will face off against the derriere-bearing Coppertone girl. (All this food talk is making me hungry. I wonder what pizza covered in cereal, cookies, and bananas would taste like.) Check out the entire Big Shill bracket here, and then get to voting!
THE KEEBLER ELVES
Product: Keebler Cookies
Debut year: 1968
Catchphrase: No real catchphrase, although they do say “Keebler” and “Chocolate” constantly.
Claim to fame: Creating luscious sweets inside the Keebler Tree.
Strength: There appears to be an entire civilization of Keebler Elves, so they have a distinct numbers advantage. Also, frontman Ernie is a snappy dresser. You think it’s easy pulling off a red vest and a green jacket?
Weakness: Besides Ernie, the Keebler Tree seems to be mostly staffed by incompetent accident-prone slackers. Just like every other Fortune 500 Company, am I right folks?
SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP
Product: Rice Krispies
Debut year: 1928
Catchphrase: Their names ARE their catchphrase. Would that we all could say the same.
Claim to fame: More than 80 years after their introduction, the elves still appear young (and perpetually in the midst of an incredible sugar high.) And in all that time, they’ve barely changed their fashion.
Strength: International men of mystery, the elves hold several foreign passports with different names. (In Finland, they’re called Riks, Raks, and Poks. In Germany, they’re called Knisper, Knasper, and Knusper.) That could come in handy if espionage is required.
Weakness: Weak link Crackle is known to fold under pressure.
THE QUIK BUNNY:
Product: Nestle’s Chocolate Milk
Debut year: 1973
Catchphrase: “Chocolate Milk, Think Nesquik!”
Claim to fame: He loves chocolate milk. He drinks it constantly. He writes songs about it.
Strength: Impressive musical ability allowed him to make the jump from early-’70s folk rock to ’80s arena rock. He’s sort of like a one-man Genesis, except without Phil Collins and more bunny-like.
Weakness: Like all rock stars, he has an addictive personality.
THE TRIX RABBIT
Product: Trix Cereal
Debut year: 1961
Catchphrase: The rabbit himself has no catchphrase, but the awful children who torment him do: “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!” Oh really, kids? Is that a law? Was it voted on by Congress? Was it signed into law by the President? And who nominated you kids the Cereal Gestapo, anyways? Who watches the watchmen, children? WHO WATCHES THE WATCHMEN?!
Claim to fame: After fifty years, the Trix rabbit remains utterly incapable of successfully eating any Trix. Which, when you think about it, is a little bit inspiring. Have you ever loved something enough to chase after it for five decades?
Strength: Has conceived literally thousands of schemes to get his hands on some Trix.
Weakness: Has never conceived a successful scheme in his entire miserable life.
Product: Various Chef Boyardee canned pasta products
Debut year: 1946
Catchphrase: The original namesake of the brand (whose real name was Ettore “Hector” Boiardi) appeared in some commercials decades ago, but later commercials adopted the memorable tune: “Thank Goodness for Chef Boyardee.”
Claim to fame: His pasta is so simple, even a child could make it! And children are our future. Horrible children.
Strength: The real-life Boiardi catered President Woodrow Wilson’s wedding, so he has the League of Nations on his side!
Weakness: The League of Nations makes the United Nations look like the United Federation of Planets.
Product: Little Caesar’s Pizza
Debut year: 1959
Catchphrase: “Pizza! Pizza!”
Claim to fame: Conquering Little Gaul, winning a Little Civil War against Little Pompey, defeating the Little Pharoah, and being named Little Dictator of Little Rome.
Strength: Unparalleled military strategist, canny politician, beloved by the common people.
Weakness: Bad taste in friends. You just can’t trust Little Brutus.
MISS CHIQUITA BANANA
Product: Bananas! And other produce. But mainly bananas!
Debut year: 1944
Catchphrase: “I’m Chiquita Banana.”
Claim to fame: Successfully transformed from an anthropomorphic banana to a beautiful real woman, perhaps because the sight of a well-dressed banana selling her fellow bananas to be eaten proved traumatic to ’50s youth.
Strength: In her original form, she’s high in potassium. In human form, she’s hot!
Weakness: The no-nudity clause in her contract hurts her chances of getting work. See her opponent below.
THE COPPERTONE GIRL
Product: Coppertone sunscreen
Debut year: 1959
Catchphrase: “Don’t be a paleface!”
Claim to fame: Maintained her cherubic dignity despite the odds.
Strength: Great tan.