Day 4 of EW’s Big Shill bracket game is admittedly a tough one. In one matchup, we pit two American heroes who fight our greatest foes (obesity and bad cell reception) against each other when Jared of Subway fame goes up against that man from Verizon who asks if we can hear him. We do, good man. We do. In another race, we have a face-off of human-like entities that, if you’re anything like yours truly, might have made cameos in some of your nightmares: The Burger King and the Geico cavemen. Then we have two beloved birds going beak-to-beak and the cuddly bears of Charmin trying to out-cute the Snuggle bear. So many choices, so little time, PopWatchers! Check out the entire bracket here, and then get to voting!
VERIZON WIRELESS ‘CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?’ GUY
Product: Verizon Wireless
Debut year: 2002
Catchphrase: Need you ask?
Claim to fame: Delivered the phrase most people now use ironically when you can’t hear them. And he looks like Rivers Cuomo.
Strength: Clear cell reception and horn-rimmed glasses.
Weakness: Probably a very large phone bill
JARED FROM SUBWAY
(Jared S. Fogle)
Product: Subway sandwiches
Debut year: 2000
Catchphrase: “Eat fresh”
Claim to fame: Lost 245 pounds on the Subway diet and inspired others to do the same…we’re told.
Strength: Makes weight loss look as appealing and fun as a foot-long sweet onion Teriyaki. We think that’s a strength…
Weakness: None of his pants fit.
Product: GEICO insurance
Debut year: 2004
Catchphrase: Well, they don’t say it, but…” so easy, a caveman could do it.”
Claim to fame: Politically correct prehistorics who have no tolerance for prejudice
Strength: An unwavering dedication to justice and cheap auto insurance
Weakness: Unable to carry their own sitcom.
THE BURGER KING
Product: Burger King “food”
Debut year: 1955 as a cartoon and was phased out in the 80s for the BK Kids Club Gang. The King reemerged in around 2003, this time as a human with an oversized head. The King that stalks your nightmares now was introduced around 2005
Catchphrase: “Have it your way” (Again, he doesn’t technically say anything…)
Claim to fame: Breaking boundaries of personal space in order to deliver fast food meals
SONNY THE CUCKOO BIRD
Product: Cocoa Puffs
Debut year: 1962; redesigned in 2004
Catchphrase: “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!”
Claim to fame: Bird with maniacal hunger for chocolate-flavored corn-puffed cereal product
Strength: Wears body-elongating vertical stripes
Weakness: Might be battling an addiction
Product: Fruit Loops
Debut year: 1963
Catchphrase: “Follow my nose! It always knows!”
Claim to fame: Dignified, well-educated avian spokesperson for cereal that ironically contains no actual fruit.
Strengths: Spoke some Pig Latin in original commercials and later developed a British accent
Weakness: Again: British. Accent. What’s not to like?
SNUGGLE THE FABRIC SOFTENER BEAR
Product: Snuggle fabric softener
Debut year: 1983
Claim to fame: Laundry-loving bear hawking fabric softener that rubs himself all over your clean clothes
Strength: Intimidating red eyes
Weakness: He’s naked.
Product: Charmin toilet paper
Debut year: 2001
Catchphrase: “Cha Cha Cha…Charmin”
Claim to fame: Environmentally conscious bears that believe less is more
Strength: They aim to help the Earth and save the rainforests
Weakness: Rouge post-wiping toilet paper bits