Because some cruel higher power has decided that we should all be punished for our sins in the most hilarious way possible, a new season of Jersey Shore will premiere on Jan. 6th. Vinny, the process-of-elimination Smart One, promises that “there will be more hook-ups” this season. What a relief! According to Professor Vin-Vin, “Jersey girls are a little bit easier,” which is the kind of harsh truth you won’t be hearing on more playful, less grittily realistic reality shows like Teen Mom. But the promo clip is full of important information you won’t learn in school:

1. The boys have constructed a rudimentary “grenade whistle” to sound the alarm if any undesirables approach. Soon they’ll be using rudimentary tools, building fires, inventing the wheel, and entering the Bronze Age!

2. New housemate Deena Cortese gets into a fight with Sammi, which proves definitely that she is exactly like every other human being who ever spends two minutes with Sammi.

3. J-Woww’s chest balloons are growing at such an alarming rate that it’s entirely possible that they will block out the sun by Jersey Shore season 7.

Watch and learn below!

PopWatchers, are you excited/appalled/demoralized/suspicious of return of the show? Will the absent Angelina hover over this season as an avenging phantom, like Big Pussy on Sopranos or Julius Caesar on Rome? Is the Jersey Shore Moment over, or has the Jersey Shore era only just begun?

Follow Darren on Twitter: @EWDarrenFranich

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