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As we prepare for tonight’s season finale of The Biggest Loser, we ponder: When did people on TV get so freakin’ loud? Political pundits scream loud opinions. Sitcom characters scream loud punchlines. On Reality TV, hosts and judges hurl screeching insults into contestants’ faces… and it’s all for their own good! Maybe it’s because, in the modern age of overstimulation, we gravitate to strong personalities who cut through the cacophonous din, one megaphone-blasted syllable at at time.

But now, things have gone too far. Everyone is yelling. The deafening roar from your television has left you dizzy with confusion. “Who,” you ask yourself, “Is yelling now?” Is it Sofia Vergara screeching at her husband on Modern Family? Or Jane Lynch berating the Glee kids? Or The Real Housewives screaming over some arcane point of rich-person social etiquette? You poor deafened soul, you probably can’t even figure out the difference between Glenn Beck and Keith Olbermann anymore. (It’s a scientific fact that political differences burn away in the upper decibels of sound, leaving nothing but sound, fury, and gray hair.)

Well, beleaguered TV viewer, open your ears! The fabulously attractive research scientists here at the PopWatch Medical Center have put together a handy little guide to TV’s loudest people. When someone on TV is yelling you into disorientation, just refer to this flowchart. We promise you won’t be confused anymore. As for your eardrums… well, think of how fashionable hearing aids will be a few decades from now! Check out the full chart after the jump…

(Click to enlarge)

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Designed by Jef Castro

PopWatchers, did we miss any screamingly loud denizens of TV land? Should Jersey Shore and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia stage a Marvel vs. DC-style crossover? Are the iCarly girls the heroes we deserve, or just the heroes we need?

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Boardwalk Empire
Steve Buscemi stars in HBO’s sprawling Prohibition drama set in Atlantic City.
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