Image Credit: Mehau Kulyk/SPL/Getty ImagesSometimes as an entertainment journalist, you’ll get a great interview assignment, whether it’s Matt Damon or Michael Caine, but rarely are you offered a one-on-one with a figure so prestigious, so well-known, and with such staying power as I was recently. In order to promote His upcoming memoir from Simon & Schuster, as well as His recently launched Twitter page, the big cheese Himself, God, deigned to speak from the heavens directly into the ear of this humble servant of Time, Inc. (All right, he may have had some help from former executive producer of The Daily Show David Javerbaum.) Like many in my field, I’ve interviewed aliens before, but this is a totally different deal. Read our entire sacrilicious exchange below.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: Why a memoir, and why now?

GOD: Lo, I grew weary of being misinterpreted, and blasphemed, and relegated to sneeze detail; and I longed to telleth all; and it was a matter of urgency, for on April 23, 2013, I shall bring about on Earth an event of such cataclysmic… well, ye will have to read the book.

Nice tease. And what other topics will Thee be addressing?

My topics shall include: The secret history of Adam and Steve; what it was like working with Moses, St. Peter, Mohammed, and other legends of the field; which sports teams I truly root for (hint: Go Blue Jackets!); and, because I can see everyone at all times, I will have much to offer by way of celebrity gossip. It will be in a section that I will call “God-sip”! Getteth it?


Like “gossip,” but with “God”?

It’s very clever.

I make this covenant with ye, Keith: This will be a juicier book of revelations than any since The Book of Revelation.

Literarily speaking, who are your influences?

Aesop, The Brothers Grimm, Hans Christian Andersen, and James Frey.

You’ve recently launched your own Twitter account. Is it hard having the Word of God constricted to 140 characters?

At first, for the keyboard of My original smartphone came in cuneiform, emitting My wisdom in units of 140 wedges, which even by My standards, was a little too cryptic.

If You had the technology back in the day, would You have just tweeted the Commandments?

If I had the technology back in the day, I would have tweeted Creation. Six tweets and done. Then on the seventh, I’d’ve… I knoweth not. Twitvidded Dramatic Chipmunk, maybe.

Who is more powerful, You or Twitter’s Fail Whale?

Ask Jonah.

What are Your thoughts on Justin Bieber, the only person You follow?

OMB I totally totally love the Bieb! He is awesome! BTW, his new song “Pray”? He wrote it 4 Me! How cool is that?!? #purpleglasses

Speaking of music, whenever someone wins a Grammy, they seem to thank You.

I know; it is most troubling. Members of the music industry praising God is like unto members of the Mafia praising policemen.

Have You considered signing up for a Facebook page?

No. I refuseth to join Facebook. I have privacy concerns.

Finally, any regrets?

Sitting down to converse with thee! [Laughs, causing earthquake that kills 80,000 people.] No, I kid.