”Why do I always almost kill my husbands?… I will never forget you, Jay!” —Gloria (Sofia Vergara), screaming to Jay (Ed O’Neill) as he is wheeled into surgery, on Modern Family
”That is the sweetest thing anybody’s ever said to me.” —Jules (Courteney Cox) to Grayson’s ex-wife, after she says Grayson always liked to watch Jules jog, on Cougar Town
”It’s amazing. We freak out if a TSA agent touches our pants, but on Black Friday we’ll hump each other and climb all over each other at Walmart to save eight bucks on a PSP.” —Jimmy Kimmel on Live!
”I’m sorry, I genuinely thought that was your name. As an apology, I’ll allow you to choose from the following nicknames: Gelfling, Porcelain, or Tickle Me Doughface.” —Sue (Jane Lynch) to Kurt (Chris Colfer), after he gets upset that she calls him Lady, on Glee
”In England, the royal family has announced that they will pay for Prince William’s wedding to Kate Middleton. When he heard this, Mr. Middleton said, ‘You’re goddamn right you will.”’ —Conan O’Brien on Conan