1. Bruce Willis to serve as face of Russian bank in ads
The free gift with a new account? Subtitled Die Hard box set! The penalty for a bounced check? Harmonica solo.
2. Anne Hathaway, James Franco named cohosts of 2011 Oscars
He always said he’d give his right arm for that gig, which raises the question: What did she do?
3. Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Alicia Keys, Usher vow to stay off Twitter until fans give $1 million to charity
On a related topic, what kind of dough would we have to cough up to limit Kanye to three crazy tweets a day? #instantfeedcleanerupper
4. Billy Joel undergoes double hip-replacement surgery
Doctors said the procedure went well, and described Joel as now being in a ”Nuprin State of Mind.”
5. Jennifer Jason Leigh files for divorce from Noah Baumbach
She’s now officially back to being a ”single white female.”
6. Katie Couric may guest-star on Glee
The plan is to have her caught in a love triangle with Puck and Will. Nah, we’re just messing with you. She’s singing ”Master of Puppets.”
7. Cookie Monster launches campaign to host Saturday Night Live
His musical guest of choice? OREO Speedwagon, natch.
8. Justin Bieber working with vocal coach to deal with puberty
Make him a bass-baritone, for all I care. But nobody — and I do mean nobody — touches the hair.
9. Grey’s Anatomy to do musical episode later this season
Prepare to meet the show’s newest member: McAutoTuney. (Dude’s going to get all kinds of action!)
10. Willie Nelson arrested after police allegedly discover six ounces of marijuana on tour bus
Said Nelson to the cops: ”Only six ounces? Did you stop at the top of the stairs?”