Ugh, I have so much to say about how Skating With the Stars is the low-rent-verging-on-homeless version of Dancing With the Stars. But with host Vernon Kay’s tinny version of Tom Bergeron’s hearty “Liiiiiiiiiiive!” echoing in my rotting brain, I can’t even get into it. What’s the use? What is the point of anything? I have no words. Here are some screengrabs.

‘Skating With the Stars’: Top 10 Episode 2 Trainwrecks

10. The sad flames on the edges of the sad ice patch inside the sad ice cave.

9. Brandon’s failed attempt to hug Sean Young. Denied!

8. Johnny Weir’s hair

7. Bethenny Frankel’s hair

6. Judge Dick Button announcing an ‘8’

(OMG, those snowflake paddles.)

5. Vince Neil’s graceful dump of his partner during their “sexy hot tango”

*Their music was a butchered version of “Roxanne” sung by a local cave troll on his deathbed — I didn’t even recognize the song until the final bars. Good thing Sting wasn’t there to murder everyone in the sad ice cave (sic)!

4. Ethan’s look of disgust immediately following his “swing” routine with Minnie Mouse

3. Sean Young’s dramatic flourish upon exiting the flying simulator

2. Sean Young Wipeout #2


Hidden Gems of the Week:

Cozy blanket at Tribal Council

Bethenny’s sheer delight that Sean ate the ice

Once more, with feeling! Sean Young’s final shining moment, post-elimination. Helloooooooo, new desktop pattern. Tile that s—!


Rebecca Budig & Fred Palascak (tango): 8/7/8 technical + 8/6/7 artistic = 44/60 (total from weeks 1 and 2: 89/120)

Brandon Mychal Smith & Keauna McLaughlin (tango) 8/8/8 + 9/8/8 = 49/60 (85/120)

Jonny Moseley & Brooke Castile (swing): 8/8/8 + 7/6/7 = 44/60 (84/120)

Sean Young & Denis Petukhov (swing) 5/3/4 + 5/7/6 = 30/60 (64/120)

Bethenny Frankel & Ethan Burgess (swing): 6/5/6, 6/5/6 = 33/60 (62/120)

Vince Neil & Jennifer Wester (tango): 6/3/4 + 6/6/5 = 30/60 (58/120)

Eliminated: Sean Young. (Vince Neil joined her in the bottom two.)

Final thoughts: These plaid pants on pro Ethan appear to be SWTS‘ best attempt to mimic the most compelling feature of DWTS: The Fresh-Baked Buns of Our Pros.

Anyone else make it through episode 2? Should I continue the Skating With the Stars self-torture for the sake of “Internet art”?

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

Skating With the Stars

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