1. Daniel Day-Lewis to star in Spielberg’s Abraham Lincoln biopic
”I grew the beard. Easy. Emancipated a few people. Went smoothly,” said the famously dedicated actor. ”But this whole shot-in-the-head thing? That s — – hurts!”
2. Randy Quaid skips another court hearing
Okay, now it’s official: Cousin Eddie is the saner alter ego.
3. New Harry Potter movie raises eyebrows with imaginary nude make-out scene between Harry and Hermione
In related news, the film is expected to gross $900 million and gross out 9 million little boys.
4. After two-year break, Amy Winehouse announces four January shows
What will she say? What will she sing? Why are we asking questions that will be rendered moot by a ”Winehouse mini-tour postponed” announcement in late December?
5. Eva Longoria Parker files for divorce from Tony Parker after discovering hundreds of racy texts to another woman
Ah, so that’s why she’s been calling him a Tiger in bed.
6. Rachel Zoe tweets news of pregnancy
She’s also begun work on a line of loose-fitting baby clothing adorned with chunky jewelry that soothes crying infants. #boohoochic
7. Ad campaign to raise awareness of scientists pairs them with rock stars like Bret Michaels
They’ve even teamed up with Michaels to build an eco-friendly Rock of Love bus that runs solely on what’s scientifically referred to as ”skank juice.”
8. Steve Perry refutes rumor that he was planning to reunite with Journey
”For the last time, please stop believing,” sighed Perry.
9. Angry man shoots TV after Bristol Palin advances on Dancing With the Stars
If that’s not a refudiation, I don’t know what is.
10. Oprah’s final ”Favorite Things” episode includes giveaways of cameras! diamond watches! cruises!
Once again, crew members did not get their favorite thing: earplugs.