By Kristen Baldwin
Updated November 19, 2010 at 05:25 PM EST

It’s time, you guys. I cannot tell you how excited I am. Oprah’s special, two-part orgy of largesse — her “Ultimate Favorite Things” episode — begins today. Can you hear the screaming yet? The weeping and gnashing of teeth? Oh I can. It’s going to be louder than ever before, because this year — the last year of Oprah’s syndicated daytime talker before she heads off to her OWN network in January 2011 — Oprah is stretching her “Favorite Things” gift-a-palooza out for two whole days, beginning today and concluding on Monday, November 22. Plus, it’s not just “Oprah’s Favorite Things” this year, it’s “Oprah’s Ultimate Favorite Things.” What could that mean? She’s already given away cars, refrigerators, iPods, and cupcakes. What’s next? A trip to the moon? Individual Hope Diamonds? A gift-wrapped selection of superpowers including invisibility and x-ray vision? I don’t know, and I don’t care. The only thing that matters is that Oprah is giving free sh– away to a bunch of “viewers who have given back to their communities, families, and around the world” (according to the Harpo press release), and that means I get a free Afternoon Cry in my office. Plus, it’s an excuse to watch possibly the funniest SNL parody ever for the 1,000th time. Uggggggg Booooooooooooooooooooooots!!!!!!!

Update: Part 1 has just finished airing, and it was quite possibly the most batsh– crazy hysterical hour of TV in broadcast history. I can’t pinpoint the most insane moment. Was it that blonde guy who was weeping openly even before ONE gift had been given away? Was it the way Oprah brandished a ceramic Kyocera knife at her frenzied minions? Was it the fact that Ralph Lauren custom-made cashmere sweaters the color of sandy beaches and Oprah’s dog? Help me decide, PopWatchers! Did you love this chaotic tribute to consumerism?? Will you be watching part 2 on Monday? Do you own anything that RETAILS FOR THIRTY-SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS????