By Lynette Rice
Updated November 08, 2010 at 12:00 PM EST
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Image Credit: TBSConan O’Brien’s first monologue was released in advance of his show’s debut on TBS tonight. Here are his opening remarks:

“Thank you. Thank you and welcome to my second annual first show. Yes, I know what you guys are thinking, `Hey, it’s the guy from Twitter.’ Welcome to my new show, Conan. People ask me why I named the show Conan. I did it so I’d be harder to replace. This is an exciting night. I’m glad to be on cable. The truth is, I’ve dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.

“And things are going well already. I’m happy to report that we’re already No. 1 in TBS’s key demographic — people who can’t afford HBO. I’m going to be honest: It’s not easy doing a late-night show on a channel without a lot of money and that viewers have trouble finding. So that’s why I left NBC. But the weird thing is this: I put myself and my staff through a lot because I refused to go on at midnight. So I get this job at eleven. Then, yesterday, Daylight Savings Time ended — so right now it’s basically midnight. In fact, it’s 12:05.

“A lot’s happened in the news since I went off the air — and I was hoping I could cover it all in one joke. But then I realized that’s like trying to keep an Icelandic volcano from wearing Lady Gaga’s meat dress while a trapped Chilean miner cleans up the BP oil spill…Brett Favre’s penis.”

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