Pop star Justin Bieber‘s autobiographical book First Step 2 Forever: My Story—which is stamped as “100% Official” right on the cover!–hit retailers today. And as you might imagine, it’s a riveting read, what with Bieber having 16 whole years of tales to spin–a full two of them in the music industry! I kid, though–the book is just about what you’d expect from a teenage pop star trying to woo his teenage pop star-loving audience. Basically, it’s a love letter to his legion of screaming girl fans. There are pages upon pages of adorable pictures from the road, tons of huge pull quotes, extraneous tweets and lyrics throughout, ridiculous stories about dating (let the jealousy from the legion begin!), pages of flowery praise for everyone who helped him get where he is today, and lots of love for Chuck Norris. (Bieber inexplicably loves the guy!) Or, as Bieber explains of the tome (ha!) on the flap: “I think this book is a window into my world.” And bonus: The book cover folds out into a Bieber poster! O-M-B!

Here are some of my favorite bon mots from the book:

On celebrity: “Until three years ago, that was my definition of a celebrity: somebody who gets to ride around in a Zamboni.”

On his tour: “It takes eight buses and a whole fleet of eighteen-wheelers to move all the people and equipment. WOW!”

On dairy products: “Singers aren’t supposed to have dairy before a show, but we all know I’m a rule breaker. Pizza is just so good!”

AFTER THE JUMP: Bieber on his fans, Celine Dion, and his first date!

On his fans: “Every single one of you lifts me a little bit higher.”

On fellow Canadian Celine Dion: “The day I was born, March 1, 1994, Celine Dion was solid at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 with ‘The Power of Love.’ Not a bad start to your life.”

On his favorite things: “I love hockey, maple syrup and Caramilk bars.”

On dating: “I hate being on a date where both people are working too hard to come up with stuff to say. You know it’s working when you can just chill—listen to music, watch a movie or whatever—without feeling like you have to force the conversation. It should just be natural.”

On his first date: “My first date has been sort of mythologized as ‘Bieber’s Dating Disaster.’ I took her to King’s a buffet restaurant. Yes, I wore a white shirt. Yes, I got spaghetti. No, this was not the brightest idea. But it wasn’t a big trauma, though.”

On nerves: “That’s another question I get all the time: ‘Do you get nervous?’ The truth is: I don’t. I don’t mean for that to come off as cocky. I just don’t see what’s to be afraid of.”

On meeting Usher and Justin Timberlake: “It was like, Usher and Timberlake want to meet me? Are you kidding? There was no point in trying to tell anyone at school about this. It would be like telling them I was going to meet CHUCK NORRIS, and we all know that guy is untouchable. I mean, c’mon. It’s CHUCK NORRIS. He doesn’t need Twitter, he’s already following you.”

On the beginning of his relationship with Twitter: “I got on there and started tweeting my brains out. I followed all my followers and friended their friends. I replied and retweeted and commented and tweeted back and forth as the conversation got bigger and bigger.”

On things he likes besides girls: “There are lots of things I really like besides girls. Like pizza. And pranking. And CHUCK NORRIS.”

On his sixteenth birthday: “Even though I don’t want to be given special treatment, I guess some things are a little big different for me as I was surprised to be given a Range Rover for my sixteenth birthday.”

On the future: “This is just the beginning. Thanks for making a small town kid’s dreams come true. Never Say Never. Love you.”

Do these highlights from First Step 2 Forever make you swoon? Want to go out and buy the book? Download all his albums? Read his Twitter feed? Sound off in below with your thoughts.