1. Heidi Klum ends 13-year relationship with Victoria’s Secret
Fly on, hot angel. I mean, after you return your wings. You want your $2,800 deposit back, right?
2. Michelle Obama, Nick Jonas join forces for child health awareness
It’s a sobering fact: More than 10 million preteens are stricken with Jonas fever each year, and the only cure is knowledge. And puberty.
3. All six Star Wars movies to be released in 3-D
So realistic, you’ll be able to see George Lucas’ hand reaching right into your wallet.
4. Sister Wives stars may face felony bigamy charges
Technical question: At the jailhouse, do they each get one phone call to the husband, or is it one for all of them?
5. Salahis threaten to sue any Real Housewives castmates who refer to them as ”White House party crashers”
But it sounds so much more refined than ”opportunistic d-bags,” no?
6. Snooki signs deal to write novel
Not to be outdone, The Situation announces he’ll become an anthropologist and study the Ab-origines.
7. Heidi and Spencer call off divorce after Central American meet-up: ”Costa Rica really put things in perspective”
Pssst!!! Costa Rica, that wasn’t the plan! You said you had enough poison dart frogs to take care of this problem for good!
8. Kelly Osbourne says Ozzy was once barred from a parent-teacher conference after passing gas
It got even more embarrassing: When word leaked out, kids on the playground started calling her dad the Prince of Fartness.
9. Twisted Sister singer Dee Snider assumes 11-week role in Broadway’s Rock of Ages
I totally knew he was going to take it, even when he kept saying that he wasn’t.
10. Mariah Carey sprains ankle, uses wheelchair after tripping on stage in $10,000 shoes
Well, that’s what happens when you skimp on footwear.