I haven’t been jealous of a 9-year-old girl since Macy White told me in Music class that her parents took her to the movie theater to see Private Eyes, starring Don Knotts and Tim Conway. But this morning, I saw that a young girl in South London named Beatrice had written a letter inviting Capt. Jack Sparrow to visit her school and help her classmates in a mutiny against her teachers. It may have been the rum that she promised, but Capt. Jack actually showed up. And I don’t mean some Disney World impersonator; it was Johnny Depp himself.

Depp’s surprise visit got me thinking, what character would’ve been the most memorable guest for me when I was still eating out of a lunchbox. No doubt, it would’ve been Indiana Jones, though if Harrison Ford came as scholarly, clean-cut Dr. Jones, I might have been just a little disappointed. Using Beatrice’s successful letter as a guide, I may have invited Indiana like this:

Dear Dr. Jones,

At our school, we are all a bunch of budding archeologists. Normally, we’re a right handful, but we’re having a bit of trouble with a mutiny against our teachers, who are Nazis obsessed with tearing our still-beating hearts out of our chests. We’d love it you can come and help make their faces melt.

From, Jeff

P.S.: We have no snakes.

Thinking back to your school days, what movie character would’ve left you speechless if he or she walked into your auditorium?