By Darren Franich
September 24, 2010 at 06:12 AM EDT

Angelina gave Jose a gift certificate for his birthday: “One Evening in the Community Smush Room, Smushing Optional.” I don’t want to sound like a prude, viewers, but why, why, WHY would you spend an entire night in that dystopian disease factory, that laboratory of biological perversion, without once smushing? Ronnie happily noted that the bed had developed a local population: “My children, Pauly’s children, Snooki juice.” (Since there hasn’t been an outbreak of the bubonic plague yet, we can deduce that the room functions on the Mr. Burns Principle.)

Poor Jose walked away bangless. No sympathy bang. No birthday bang. No Bang the Drum Slowly DVD starring a young Robert De Niro. “Jose’s definitely getting played,” said Ronnie. (“Like a piano,” he explained. “That is getting cheated on by a girl piano,” he concluded.) Part of me thinks that Angelina is getting a bad rap. We all know that, if she were a guy, she’d basically be the Situation, except not 45 years old. Fortunately for confused schoolchildren, last night’s episode briefly morphed into a ’90s independent movie, as everyone had a serious talk about double standards. Angelina: “I hate that guys can [smash lots of people], but girls can’t.” The Situation retorted, “Yeah, there’s a double standard, but I’m a dude, so I don’t care!” He didn’t actually say that, but he was thinking it. (When human cloning is possible and men are unnecessary, I hope the Situation is first against the wall when the revolution comes reconsiders his sexist philosophy.)

But viewers, just when I want to be an Angie apologist, something will happen. Like the Affair of the Misplaced Tampon, which taught us all a valuable lesson about female biology. Actually, has anyone noticed how gender roles get reversed on Jersey Shore? The guys cook, clean, and spend all day making themselves pretty. The girls lounge around, are generally dismissive of romance, and talk about breaking their vagina-bones on bicycles. Jersey Shore is basically Mad Men in bizarro-world. The Situation is Joan, Snooki is Don, JWoww is Roger, Vinny is Peggy, and no one ever wears any clothes.

More Biological Perversity from the Post-Apocalypse:

-While the rest of the house is spiraling downward into tampon pranks and Canadian models, Pauly has become Mr. Sanity. He’s proudly dating a girl who is neither a ho nor a stalker. He also had the line of the night: “How the hell did I wake up and my hair still done?” Pauly: Your hair is made of titanium steel, and you are a cyborg from the future.

-“Kicked in the kooka” is the most charming way to say “Kicked in the lady parts.” (At first, I thought Snooki said “Kicked in the Koopa.”)

-This conversation actually kind of happened:

Ronnie: “Angelina cheated on Jose.”

Sammi: “Ronnie told Jose she was his boo. But then she smashed Vinny. Therefore, if she says she’s my friend, that means she’s not my friend.”

Ronnie: “We really need to improve our school system.”

-A Day in the Life of Snookums: Wake at 2 PM. Go to the beauty parlor. Drink mimosas. Fall asleep wearing sunglasses. Go to club. Pass out. Tickle JWoww’s foot while she’s sexing her BF. Escape to Vinny’s bed. Repeat forever.

-JWoww and her boyfriend solve arguments by picking each other’s noses.

-The boys sang a little ditty called “T-Shirt Time.” I’m still humming it. Pleasepleasepleaseautotuneremixplease.

Viewers, who wins the award for most debased human being of the week? Have you ever been kicked in the koopa? Is Jose getting played like a piano, or is he getting played like a xylophone? And will Snooki Juice be an energy drink, a diet soda, or something we never speak of again?

Get important updates by following me on Twitter @EWDarrenFranich

Follow Snooki, the Situation, Pauly, Ronnie, Sammi, Jwoww, Vinny, and Deena as they party, smush, and GTL
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