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Last night’s episode began with a fight between two people who have no reason to hate each other. It ended with a night-vision makeout sesh between two people who have every reason to hate each other. Angelina called her boy toy “Daddy.” Snooki’s man-bot called her “Mommy.” When Vinny heard that his girl-crush worked at Hooters, he proudly noted, “She’s a classy girl.” Jose told Angelina to behave, so she decided not to. Life is topsy-turvy. Left is right. Right is wrong. The Situation summed it up sagely: “F—ing Santa Claus is dead.”
At one point, the camera lingered on Ronnie victoriously thrusting his pelvis into the back of Sammi’s head, while Sammi flashed us a confused stare. Some day, far in the future, alien robots from space will sift through the wreckage of our civilization. And they will find that video. And they will say: “That…was America.
In the aftermath of the great Jenni/Sammi showdown, hair extensions and fingernails and sandwiches were scattered everywhere. It looked like Ke$ha exploded in the kitchen. Sammi said the fight was “the best accomplishment that I’ve had in a long time.” (We really need to improve our school system.) Ronnie decided to sweep his lady love off her feet to celebrate her triumphant divorce from reality. “Honeydoll,” I imagine him saying, “You put on your skimpiest dress, and I’ll put on my crappiest T-shirt, and we’re gonna go to a nice restaurant!” Not satisfied with her terrible relationship, Sammi struck up an awful friendship with Angelina. They had a conversation which I kid you not was literally this:
Angelina: “I’m you’re realest friend here.”
Sammi: “I am a real person. 100% real.”
Angelina: “You’re real. I’m real.”
Sammi: “Real. Real? Real!”
In the opposing trenches, JWoww and Snooki put on their Outbreak costumes and cleaned out the Community Smush Room. JWoww claimed that there had been at least 20 hook-ups in the room. Just imagine what sort of fun bacterial diseases are being born within those green walls! Hyper-Mega-Sypherrhea, anyone?
Other Vital Observations From the Mushroom Kingdom:
-Jenni gets ever so lonely when Shnookums gets her smush on. She begged Dennis for a juicehead, just so she could have someone to talk to. But the juicehead was a “Grenade Gr—-l Ch—e.” (I probably don’t have to censor those words. But I feel like I should. Kids: ask the internet.) JWoww wouldn’t even deign to carry on a conversation with such a Morlock.
-Lest you think only men were being objectified last night, Pauly D was horrified by one girl’s herpified lip. Why does anyone ever willingly appear on this show? Alcohol is a hell of a drug.
-Pauly D is only on the show for one reason: ludicrous googly-eyed reaction shots.
-Throwaway line that deserves to be a new catchphrase: “Dancing like Spanish people.”
-The girl from Hooters looked exactly like JWoww between the stomach and the neck.
-JWoww got all “History Will Absolve Me” when she was trying to explain her actions, insisting that Sammi will feel sorry “When the truth comes out.” But hasn’t the truth already come out? What is truth? Alcohol is a hell of a drug.
– The Situation’s Sister won’t leave. I’m getting bad vibes. Stephanie Pratt vibes.
-Angelina thinks she’s the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island, but Vinny insists that she’s the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island. I hate everything in the sentence I just wrote.
-Also, Vinny kissed Angelina.
Viewers, what fascinated/disgusted/titillated/twitterpated you last night? Do you think Ronnie’s muscles get in the way when he’s playing Big Buck Hunter? Don’t we all want diamond-studded hairbands for Christmas? Is Santa really dead, or is he just rebranding? Sound off below!