August 20, 2010 at 01:42 PM EDT

Image Credit: VT/Splash NewsHills “star” Spencer Pratt (pictured here as the bootleg version of Joaquin Phoenix while shooting a video in Malibu) is writing his own book! It’ll be a “tell-all” about his relationship with ex Heidi Montag, including more details about her tormented relationship with her mother than anyone needs to ever read, including Spencer. (Whoa, do you guys think Spencer knows how to read? He was always on his computer but maybe it was a special pictures-only computer.) The new book “will be equal parts Tolstoy & Hemingway,” tweeted Pratt or the literate person who runs Spencer Pratt’s Twitter feed.

“My last book, How to be Famous, didn’t make the New York Times best-seller list because it was in the self-help section,” Pratt told Us Weekly. Yes. That is why that book didn’t sell.

Meanwhile, Montag, who filed for divorce from Pratt in July after one year of marriage, may take legal action to stop him. “This is exactly why I left him,” she said to TMZ.

Really? Not the beard?

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

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