By Annie Barrett
Updated July 30, 2020 at 05:26 PM EDT
Dancing With the Stars

In a stunning marriage of the skanky and the sparkly, ABC will announce the season 11 cast of Dancing With the Stars during Aug. 30’s episode of Bachelor Pad. (Skanky and sparkly are not mutually exclusive, of course.) It’ll be a creepy mass wedding co-sponsored in part by Macy’s and Valtrex. What a fun, sexy time for trashy reality TV!

As usual, ABC will not leak anything before the announcement, even if I lovingly prod the DWTS publicists through the Internet with my fringed magic wand. But here are some rumored season 11 hoofers anyway: Newly engaged Bachelorette “stars” Ali and Roberto (they deny it), Jersey Shore‘s The Situation, former NFL quarterback Kurt Warner. Troy Aikman said he would appear on the show but he was just joking; who would do such a thing? Capt. Sig Hansen from Deadliest Catch would totally do it, but he’s supposed to be at sea. Meanwhile, Real Housewife/recent pauper Teresa Giudice Tweeted that she was “thinking about” doing the show, but that’s almost as meaningless as me announcing that I’m back into Hawaiian Punch. Compare and contrast. We all have crazy thoughts sometimes!

People I’d like to see on ‘DWTS’: They might be long shots, but let me have my fantasies! Elizabeth Berkley because she’s a natural showgirl and every season needs a “ringer.” Brian Austin Green unless he’s too busy guesting on Desperate Housewives. Lindsay Lohan fulfilling some sort of court-appointed disco fever requirement. Leonard Nimoy as the token old guy. And Charles Barkley because he’s funny and seems to think he was perhaps miscast in the universe as primarily an athlete instead of a TV star.

Danielle Staub reportedly just got sacked from Bravo, so I’d rather see her than RHONJ castmate Teresa. I know Danielle is totally heinous in every way under the sun/chandelier, but as a person who recaps the show, it’s actually more fun when the cast includes a nationally detested attention s’more a la Kate Gosselin. Tila Tequila: same reason. Kara DioGuardi because she likes to rip off her clothes. Betty White as long as she’s allowed a limited range of motion and a 10-point handicap. But not really. I want her to live, damnit!

Finally, I understand that Sig Hansen is too busy to bother with this unless DWTS ever does a summer season (nooooooo!), but I do wish he would drop everything this fall and piss away his crew’s seasonal livelihood for his own chance to win a hardened knob of glitter. As EW’s Deadliest Catch recapper Mandi Bierly just said, “He pushes his crew to the brink on the Bering Sea, so it would be awesome to watch him push himself on the ballroom floor.”

Who’s in your Dancing With the Stars dream cast? Do you agree with EW readers Veronica and Lola that “if there is any representation of NJ (either show), I won’t be watching”?

Related: ‘DWTS’ to announce next round of dancers in live press conference

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

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Dancing With the Stars

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  • ABC