10 hot topics for the week of July 30, 2010

By Dan Snierson
August 06, 2010 at 04:00 AM EDT

1. Jersey Shore‘s second-season debut easily outrates Mad Men‘s fourth-season premiere
Which means we’re all headed to the ninth circle of hell. (Good tanning weather there, though.)

2. NBC has ”no issues” with Conan presenting at Emmys
Asked to put it in writing, a network exec said, ”Great idea! Then there’s no way we can go back on our word!”

3. All My Children‘s Susan Lucci signs deal to pen memoir
Thank goodness the 19th publisher bit.

4. Drew Carey drops 80 pounds
Once he stopped eating the Plinko chips, the weight just fell off.

5. Bret Michaels to cohost Miss Universe
A few changes this year: Women will be judged on their ability to talk dirty to Bret, to give him something to believe in, and to explain how an ”unskinny bop” can bring about world peace.

6. According to costar, Heidi Montag quits own reality show
Is that even possible? I thought it was like that thing with killer robots where they can’t self-terminate.

7. Piers Morgan likely to replace Larry King on CNN
Piers. Where does the name Piers come from? Were your parents fans of the sea? I once went bow-fishing with Milton Berle and three Rockettes. Portland, Maine, you’re on the line with Piers…

8. Laurence Fishburne’s 19-year-old daughter to release sex tape, explaining, ”I’ve watched how successful Kim Kardashian became”
She’s taking cues from her father, too. The movie is titled Love Has Absolutely Nothing to Do With It.

9. Ozzy says he dreamed tragedy would befall Princess Di weeks before her death
And yet he didn’t warn himself about the trash-bag incident during season 1 of The Osbournes? Curious…

10. Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston reportedly call off engagement for second time
That’s probably for the best, because in terms of wedding gifts, I wasn’t sure what to get the couple that already has everything…going against them.