Whoopi explains it all! On today’s The View, Whoopi Goldberg addressed The Real Housewives of D.C. star Michaele Salahi’s reported accusation that Whoopi hit her during yesterday’s show. After Whoopi (who was backstage while Joy Behar and Sherri Shepherd conducted the interview) approached Salahi, lightly touched her midsection and asked, “Would you get back to the White House please?” (funny because no one wants that to actually happen), she and Salahi got into it backstage. “Michaele was very upset about what happened on the air and said she thought I hit her, so I went up to her and I tolllllld her that she knew I didn’t hit her,” Whoopi said on today’s telecast. “And yeah, you know how I said it. Choice words.” [PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE.] “All right? And I made no apology for my choice words. But then her husband got his Blackberry in my face and started taking pictures of me. So then, there were even more choice words. I mean, they were so choice you coulda cut ’em with a knife and eaten them.” Aw, missed opportunity; that would have been delicious. Also, Elisabeth is dressing like Barbara Walters now. Everyone wants to look like a Barb this week.

The Salahis’ attorney, Lisa Bloom, however, refuted Goldberg’s account of events in an interview with EW: “After the taping was over, [Michaele] went backstage and she was in tears. She was very upset. One of The View producers came up and said what’s wrong, she said I can’t believe Whoopi came up behind me and grabbed my arm. So the producer takes off. Michaele’s now found a quiet office to sit in and cry with her husband. Whoopi comes barreling into the office and starts shouting, ‘Did you f****** say that I f****** hit you? I never f****** hit you. F*** you!’ Over and over and over again, screaming at her,” Bloom contends. “Michaele says ‘What are you talking about? I never said that you hit me.’ Whoopi says, ‘Well that’s what I was told.’ So they get the producer in the room and the producer says ‘You’re right, hit was my word.’ So then Whoopi calms down a little bit and then Tareq said, ‘I think you owe my wife an apology.’ And Whoopi says ‘I’m not going to apologize to her,’ and she leaves,” said Bloom.

Regardless of who you believe, for those of you who need complete photographic evidence that Whoopi did not. Hit. That. Woman. Michaele Salahi. are in luck because I happen to be EW’s Senior Hitting Correspondent. Below, PopWatch proudly presents Anatomy of a Hit: A Pointless Play in Four Parts, starring Whoopi Goldberg and some plastic figurines.

1. A hand appears. It seems gentle, like a kitten who wants something. What do kittens want? No “swing” detected.

2.”Ew, what is that germy thing on my half-inch waist?”

3. Still smiling. Face does not permit otherwise.

4. A true EGOT always leaves ’em wanting more. Whoopi looks totally crazy here and I love it.

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Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

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