By Darren Franich
Updated August 02, 2010 at 08:30 PM EDT

Image Credit: Diyah PeraPopWatchers, I can’t explain how I ended up seeing Zac Efron’s Charlie St. Cloud on Friday night. Reviews were toxic for the movie – our own Owen Gleiberman gave it a C-. Maybe it’s because there was a two-story-high Charlie St. Cloud billboard down the block from EW’s offices. (Efron’s eyes looked like giant cerulean watermelons.) But for whatever reason, I dragged my girlfriend to see a movie about cool sailboats and tasteful cemetery sex. We learned a valuable lesson about not driving your little brother anywhere, ever. (In the movie, Ray Liotta plays a saintly medic named Florio Ferrente, which is right next to Chev Chelios on the list of “Names That Only Exist In Movies.”) Leaving the theater, I had a simple question: How come Zac Efron doesn’t just sing and dance in his movies?

Listen, I understand that not everybody likes musicals, and I also understand that not everybody likes handsome dudes with gym-rat pecs and girlfriends who look like this. But the dude is talented. And especially since Hollywood went out of its way to cast the tone-deaf Pierce Brosnan in Mamma Mia!, isn’t there any musical project that could let Efron flex all of his performing muscles? (It was sad enough waving goodbye to an Efron-led Footloose.) Yeesh, if the best they’re going to give him is sub-Nicholas Sparks dreck, can’t they just bite the bullet and turn it into a musical? After the jump, find the SPOILER-heavy theme song for Charlie St. Cloud! The Musical, never coming to a theater near you…

Charlie St. Cloud!

(Sung to the tune of “Bye Bye Birdie”)

Char-leeee St. Cloud

He loves his li’l bro,

Char-leeee St. Cloud

And he loves his boat!

Uh oh, car crash.

How’ll they play baseball now?

Li’l bro’s a cute ghost

The cannons go: Ka-pow!

Char-lee St. Cloud!

Abby Sunderland loves him so,

Char-lee St. Cloud!

Don’t forget li’l bro!

She’s a ghost, oh no!

Or is she…whoa?

Did you see Charlie St. Cloud, PopWatchers? Would the movie have been better with more singing and dancing? Come on, wouldn’t you want to see Ray Liotta do a tap dance on his way to heaven?