By Annie Barrett
July 12, 2010 at 04:28 PM EDT
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Amazingly enough, he is not playing a first-day waiter in a restaurant that makes waiters wear light purple ties. He’s playing an entertainment reporter named Allen Cook!

Oh my God. This is happening in less than 10 minutes and I’ve never watched a soap opera all the way through. In lieu of a Lunchtime Poll today, I’m gonna live blog this insanity. Everyone turn on CBS and let’s get through it together!

12:30 “Is this where you say ‘Just kidding?'” My thoughts exactly.

12:33 Michael Ausiello: “He better be on within the next five minutes or else I’m leaving.”

12:34 We miss Santa Barbara.

12:34 We’re liking the dress on Eden. You think it’s like Ann Taylor but then there’s all this jazzy hardware!

12:35 “I don’t remember Eden Riegel being that stacked while she was a lesbian!”

12:37 Mandi: “That is an ugly bear.” (Referring to a toy)

12:39 WHERE IS HE?

12:40 Victor gets the biggest group laugh so far: “Our daughter Victoria has lost her mind.”

12:41 Adam/Michael Muhney’s hair is so self-consciously messy! Too bad Slezak’s can’t do that. IF HE EVER SHOWS UP.

12:43 Does a judge need that many pencils?!

12:44 Claire Danes is doing a Latisse commercial?!?!?!?!?

12:45 What if they just totally cut Slezak’s scenes? I’d be hosting an office party for nothing.

12:46 Hello, f— me shoes!

12:47 CRUEL CUT! Slezak is totally supposed to be in this bar scene.

12:48 Soft focus flashback with sax!

12:49 Why isn’t Slezak in this sex/sax scene?

12:49 What’s wrong with that guy’s face?!!

12:50 Despite the 12:49 update: Still no Slezak.

12:51 News Director Mike Bruno has contributed Pretzel M&Ms to the party.

12:52 “I learned it the hard way. All washes do not take care of feminine odor.”

12:53 Lunchtime Poll: Is this my best blog item in weeks?

12:55 I like the Michael Bluth look Adam’s got going on.

12:56 They better have these repetitive arcade sound effects IF SLEZAK EVER FINALLY SHOWS UP.

12:57 Denise Richards needs some better highlights.

12:58 The photo we have of Slezak is from this scene but this scene could go on for another three days…

12:59 THERE HE IS!!!!

12:59 Celebrity Weekly? Please.

12:59 Slezak said ‘sex tape’!


1:01 Hillshire Farms commercial: Kids chanting “Gooooo meat!”

1:03 Please tell us this arcade date montage isn’t really happening.

1:06 Slezak is sorry — he assumed this was common knowledge!

1:12 Is that ring (not a hidden gem) made of tinsel?!

1:15 Okay, which deer-in-the-headlights photo of Slezak was the best?

A. Diagonal upwards gaze at something that does not exist

B. Slackjaw chic

C. Lookin’ alive!

1:19 The strawberry blondehead and Nicholas better have sex within the next 11 minutes or this episode has been a bust.

1:21 Phyllis is her name.

1:22 Mandi is chanting “Sex! Sex! Sex!”

1:22 Phyllis is SO TIRED and we know how she feels.


1:27 Slezak’s back! He can quote that if he wants. “Oh, I plan to.”

1:27 Bonus reaction shot!

Well, that was fun! Should Slezak be a recurring character? From which disease and/or type of attack should he meet a violent end?

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