ABC’s True Beauty continues to teach me important life lessons on how to be a good person. Help people look for their phantom lost jewelry (which I would do anyway because they’d be hidden gems). Do not accept free vests from salesgirls who really want to give them to me. Never peek at the contents of an envelope in an elevator that seems private, because chances are a merry band of Oompa Loompas — Vanessa Minnillo, Carson Kressley, and Beth Ostrosky Stern — are watching me. They are watching, and they care. It’s their life’s work. Anyway, last night’s episode, “Bride in Trouble,” totally threw me for a loop!

During this week’s Inner Beauty challenge, the “Beauties” had to earn the chance to stand in the weddings of complete strangers based on short speeches along the lines of “I like puppies and kittens” (Erica), “I’m here from Canada” (Craig), and “I love to travel” (Amy). Then, as the “Beauties” changed into bridesmaid and groomsmen outfits in private dressing rooms, a “mother” berated her “daughter” in the town square of the bridal boutique. The “mom” kept calling the “daughter” fat and complaining that her dress didn’t fit. According to a plane of logic that exists only on this show, the “Beauties” would PASS if they cut the tension with a supportive comment in favor of the “daughter,” but if they minded their own business they would FAIL.

I am 95 percent sure that, if thrown into this situation, I wouldn’t say anything to either woman. Would you? Am I a bad person or just not a true beauty?! Maybe, maybe, I would hurl a bitchy comment to both women as I huffed out of there — probably “Shut up” to the Momzilla and “Size up” to the Bride. I feel like both of those comments would help. This is why I could never win a ridiculous reality show. It is one of about a billion reasons, including the small stipulation that I would also never try out!

In the end, Michelle went home because dear, insecure, utterly stupid Amy keeps coming up with such tremendous lines. My favorite was right after she learned that Michelle would be going home: “Home as in Planet Hollywood, or home as in home?” This gem was closely followed by her terrified inquiry just before the wedding chapel challenge. “Are we getting married? Do we have to marry each other?” They should have let her continue to speak because I really wanted to hear what I suspect would have been her next question: “Do we have to have each other’s babies?” Yes, Amy. Next week! On True Beauty….

Who else watched this mess? Would you have butted in to tell the “daughter” she was lovely? And was this week’s True Beauty an even bigger trainwreck than Vienna’s meltdown in the face of Jake, who seems like one of those scary John Stamos Lifetime husbands? I say it was not!

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

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