By Michael Slezak
June 18, 2010 at 08:46 PM EDT

Dear Eminem,

I was totally stoked to hear the news that you’ve decided to not only stop calling me a f*****, but to also support my gay marriage. Unfortunately, it’s been almost six years since the big day, so unlike Star Jones, my wedding registry is no longer active over at Sad the way time flies, no? But the good news is, I’ve broken more wine glasses over the last six years than you’ve had radio hits. A lot more. Yes, what I’m trying to say is that we’re equally low on both red and white stems, so whatever you want to get us, really! Oh, but did I mention I’m partial to a massive goblet? Yeah, some things never change: I’m into a healthy pour.

So anyway, best of luck with your upcoming Recovery album, and thanks for finally hopping off the “Sanctity of Marriage” Express (which really ought to be pulling up outside the Bachelor/Bachelorette offices any minute now). Keep an eye out for your honorary toaster! (Two more converts, and I’ll qualify for an iPad!)