1. MacGruber grosses only $4 million over weekend
MacGruber! Your adapted SNL skit is a bomb at the box office! Quick, if we don’t find a way to turn—BOOM!
2. Miley Cyrus jewelry removed from Walmart after toxins detected
It was her fourth-biggest metal fiasco, ranking just below the never-released Hanna Pantera demos.
3. Today releases statement defending Matt Lauer against infidelity allegations
”We would include more comments from Mr. Lauer,” noted the statement, ”but we currently have no idea where in the world he is.”
4. Jesse James on Nightline: ”I threw it all away”
If only his mistresses had done the same with the text messages and Nazi paraphernalia.
5. Author sues NBC and Heroes, claiming they stole his ideas for season 4 episodes
Responded NBC: ”Are you claiming responsibility for something in a later season of Heroes? All yours, buddy!”
6. Metallica/Megadeth/Slayer/Anthrax concert to be simulcast in U.S. theaters
In Dolby Digital 5.1. Because hearing is for wusses.
7. Britney Spears passes Ashton Kutcher as person with most Twitter followers
She also leads him in divorces, head-shaving freak-outs, and custody hearings, but who can keep track of all that stuff? #umthatwouldbeme
8. George Washington’s estate replaces book he borrowed from New York library in 1789 and never returned
It was the honorable thing to do (once the $150,000 late fee was waived).
9. Bono recuperating from back surgery; tour delayed
Doctors knew it was serious when he described a sensation of ”an unforgettable fire, giving way to an intense rattle and hum before an awkward pop.”
10. Lindsay Lohan ordered to wear alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet
To her credit, Lohan was fully cooperative, requesting only that it not be made by Miley Cyrus.