'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' recap: None of you is too pretty to work
Image Credit: BravoWhat a buzz kill of an episode, particularly after the sloshy high of Thursday’s New York Housewives. Danielle’s beautiful daughters spent much of the episode looking alternate shades of mortified. I think the main problem is that Danielle doesn’t have any friends. So she uses her girls as her go to sounding board, thrusting her adult problems onto the kitchen table while obsessively asking the poor girls for advice. (Mom, please pull off this highway right now. Mom, seriously, turn the car around.)
Danielle and her 11-year-old daughter Jillian came home to find a charming bouquet of congratulatory roses on the doorstep for Christine. “Why do you think she sent them?” D. demanded of her little girl. “She wanted to wish Christine well?” said Jillian. Danielle would not stand for such a sensible answer. Should she give her a call? Why didn’t she pick up? Is Jacqueline busy with the baby or is she ignoring her? (“She’s busy, Mom. She’s a normal person.”) She will not be ignored! Should she call back? She’s going to call back. Run Jillian, and take your little dog Fendi too!
Jacqueline seems to have come to her senses that Danielle is all-around bad news. Caroline did her best to keep a straight face when Jacqueline suggested to her that the woman kept seeking her out because “she enjoys seeing me squirm.” Caroline pointed out that D. causes drama over a gesture as lovely as roses, while the woman couldn’t even be bother to send a card, a flower, a balloon, nothing when little Nicholas was born. In a private interview, that looked suspiciously like it was taped last season, Caroline indulged in an unnecessary I-told-you-so moment. “Jacqueline went against her friends, her family, her husband, everybody, to support this person. And now you find out, oops! Well, I feel sorry for her.” Now, now, Caroline. That kind of talk is what gets people calling you overbearing.
On the subject of Danielle—anybody else fear this will be the season’s only subject?—Teresa will not be muzzled. She dares utter the word “ho-bag” in Dina’s heavily draped sanctuary. Dina doesn’t want any drama anymore, and she will ward off negative energy with her superhero cats, her growing collection of Buddha statues, and Zen Jen, an energy person who looks remarkably like the Eat, Pray, Love author Elizabeth Gilbert. I could do without any more smudging or energy crystal or sage-burning scenes in Dina’s kitchen. But the woman does still know how to get in a good one-liner. “Your childhood doesn’t give you an excuse to be evil,” she says of Danielle’s antics. “Oprah was abused.”
So now we’ve got Gia and Christine both walking in the fashion show. As much as Teresa is gunning for Danielle, I admire the woman’s sanguine approach to the two girls’ modeling ambitions. “All the best to you, Christine,” she said. “God bless. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!” And as much as Danielle likes to harp on the idea that the other women would never be happy for her daughter and are likely seething with mean envy over her success, everyone seems genuinely pleased for the girl. When Teresa first saw the cover with Christine’s picture she brought it over to Gia and they oohed and aahed over it. Gia can be a bit of a brat, and I do wish she’d shake a little less hip in her catwalk. (Child, you’re only eight years old!) She was feeling sensitive before her big runway debut and her Pop calling it the ugly stage didn’t help matters. But the kid seems happy and her front row of supporters were sincerely charmed by her little walk. “Thank God she rocked it!” said Teresa.
Christine’s big moment seemed infinitely more complicated. During her practice session with the IMG folks, she shot her mother death glares during every turn. “She fixes one things and the other thing starts to cave,” said Danielle. Christine got in her face for that little comment. The truth is Christine scares me a little. We all knew she was in trouble when she plucked just two measly pieces of honey dew from craft services before the show. She looked extraordinarily beautiful up on the runway. But afterwards, when the models had to stand still for 20 minutes showcasing the clothes, Christine started to go deathly pale. While her face took on a look of panic, her throat starting to gag as she murmured again and again that she was unwell, Danielle kept yammering in the foreground. “All these moments are hers,” she nattered on to a stranger, while Christine was worrying that she was going to barf all over the white stage. It was a sad scene, and not one Christine should waste a moment feeling embarrassed about. The girl felt sick. Someone — not her mother, mind you — rushed her off stage.
In conclusion, Danielle is not too pretty to work. Gia is not too pretty to work. Gisele is not too pretty to work. Wonder Woman is not too pretty to work. Let’s teach our daughters (and sons!) the value of hard work.
Oh, and I just assume Joe wear shirts with sleeves from here on out.
What say you Jersey fans? Was this episode a harsh toke? Did you even know they made 8-inch heels? Do you swing both hands when you walk? Were those gold lame kid pants the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen?