By Michael Slezak
Updated December 10, 2016 at 03:01 PM EST
Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images

Image Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty ImagesThis morning’s news that Salma Hayek is likely to sign on opposite Kevin James in the action comedy Here Comes the Boom may not make sense on paper. Hayek is, after all, an Oscar nominee/internationally recognized sex goddess; James is a husky former sitcom actor who is at least partially responsible for the criminally unfunny I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

But I admitted something to my editor a little while ago, and now he’s forcing me to share it with you, in the spirit of “that would make a good PopWatch item.” (And here I keep thinking it’s more in the “I’m going to get a lot of grief from my husband this weekend” column.) Either way, here goes a dark period in my marriage nothing…

A Kevin James-Salma Hayek onscreen romance would totally work because Kevin James is a total hottie. A stone-cold fox. A full barrel of sexytimes. He is rated T…for Tap That. He should come with a warning label: Makes you put your thing down, flip it, and reverse it.

I know, I know…dude didn’t make the cut in my pal Mandi Bierly’s extensively researched Summer Entertainment Abs Poll — I voted for Ryan Kwanten. This matters not. Kevin James is highly amusing, endearingly unself-conscious, does not wax his chest, has a fantastic smile, and possesses liquid brown eyes more tempting than a shot glass full of Kahlua. Plus, he is as delectable in a tux as he is in UPS-esque brown. (Then again, those looks benefit most gents, no?) Okay, so he can’t pull off a backwards Kangol cap, but maybe he just got photographed in one to serve as a cautionary tale to the male species. Also: Kevin James raises the temperature of the earth’s core. And he has been pictured while mastering the grill (an important proving ground for male sex appeal.)

Thus, I have stated my case, thoroughly and conclusively. And now we all know that Kevin James is a total hottie. There’s even a Facebook page devoted to this important topic, so it must be true. I am no longer embarrassed by this PopWatch post. Now go forth and enjoy your weekend.