Image Credit: Mitchell Haaseth/BravoSonja continues to emerge as a benign source of ridiculousness. I appreciate the meaningless of her tagline: “I have a taste for luxury and luxury has a taste for me.” She has dozey, dazed appeal, as if in a constant haze of post-coital bliss. It’s like she’s just slid out of a limo make-out session with Max before every one of her scenes. At a dinner date with fellow divorcees Kelly and LuAnn, she babbled about her love of sex. Kelly very primly stated that she was not looking for Mr. Thursday, she was looking for Mr. Right. She wants a Renaissance guy, someone who likes to drink beer and play pool and go to the Met. LuAnn, in one of her many humorless snob moments, erupted in snorting disbelief. “Drink beer and play pool!” she shrieked. “A man?!” Sonja, revealing a bit of edge, wondered about the possibility of a husband who didn’t cheat. She waggled her lifted eyes at the two ladies, hoping they’d cough up some good cuckold stories. Kelly went mum, LuAnn coughed into the fur friends on her shoulders. Sonja shrugged agreeably and searched the restaurant for a Mr. Tuesday while reconsidering her outfit. “What kind of guys can you pick up with a hunting scarf?” she moaned. She’s nuts. I like her.
The first half of the episode was classic Housewives filler. Kelly burned a spatula while pretending that she and the girls had a weekend routine of making pancakes together. (“Uh oh,” her sassy daughter Theo scribbled on her pad.) Avery looked unimpressed by her mother’s TruRenewal wedding plans. LuAnn looked at $15,000 a month apartments and gasped over unacceptable views. Bethenny made salad dressing in Brooklyn and announced to Alex’s genuine delight that she was engaged. Ginger pooped on the floor. And the couch. And a book. And a man. And a man’s plastic shoe. Jill brought “Oh my Gawd” to new nasal heights. Gloria gave us a bit of wisdom for free: “Don’t wear chiffon on Christmas day if you can help it.” I’m unsure how to apply such a lesson to my everyday life, but I appreciate her conviction. And can someone at Bravo please put together a show starring Ramona’s assistants?
Later in the episode, Kelly hosted a party celebrating New York bachelors. Her job involved not wearing any pants. Jill was hoping the leather belt on her long-sleeved dress would impress, and kept fishing for oohs and ahs from the other ladies. But then Alex showed up in a Cabaret number, Bethenny was poured back into one of her band-aid dresses, and, as Bethenny herself said, “Kelly’s vagina was hanging out.” (It really was.) LuAnn, never one to let something go, tried again to get Mario to apologize to her for his “Countless” comment. Their conversation was bearable only because they spoke in Italian, which made Ramona horny.
When Bethenny arrived on the scene, Ramona set about giving her the once-over. While surveying Bethenny’s appearance—”No bangs?” she wondered—she looked on the verge of bringing up the fact that Bethenny’s father didn’t love her just as no one in this world would ever love her, when Bethenny blurted out the good news. “I’m engaged,” she said. Ramona’s face froze for a second, and we knew not what she would say. But then there were hugs and happy hoorays! Word quickly spread to the darkened corners of the party, where Jill and LuAnn hovered meanly, reminding each other of all the ways they’d been slighted. When Kelly bopped over with news of Bethenny’s engagement, Jill’s face unfroze for a second. Jason wandered into their midst, and she gave him a real hug. All of her vim and venom from the last few episodes dribbled to the floor. There were mazels to share, carats to count, wedding venues to criticize. And here was Jill, stuck on the dance floor with LuAnn talking to a mustached and spray tanned bachelor? No fair! She wanted back in to Bethenny’s world, but she insisted that it would take Bobby to get her there. She rebuffed Simon’s entreaty to come offer her sincere congratulations.
LuAnn deigned to offer Bethenny congratulations. Though she ruined the moment by opting to whine once more about being called a snake. Her face flushed, her voice cracking (“elegance is lear-er-ernd!”), LuAnn demanded an explanation for Bethenny’s contempt. Bethenny wisely went on auto-pilot, murmuring “Thank you, I’m sorry, thank you, I’m sorry, thank you, I’m sorry” until LuAnn slithered back into the pit of bachelors. Bethenny had had enough. She wanted to go, disgusted by the evening and Jill’s inability to be happy for her. While Jason gave Bethenny a sympathetic hug, Ramona couldn’t resist making googly eyes at him. As the young couple tried to make a dash for the door, Jill stomped into the picture. She embraced Bethenny. She looked nervous. Unsure of what to say, she descended on the ring. “It’s yooooge!” she started bleating on repeat, as Bethenny’s face drained of color. Bethenny is over it. They are done.
The clip promising what’s still to come in the season was divine. Bring on the episode where Alex erupts on Jill: “You are a mean girl!” she accuses in her most clipped stage voice. “You are in high school! While you are in high school, I am in Brooklyn!” Can I please get this printed on a t-shirt?
What did you folks think? Do you like Sonja? Did you approve of Kelly’s dress? Do you like Jason? (He strikes me as enormously sensible and good-natured.) Were you embarrassed for Jill?