By Michael Slezak
Updated March 11, 2010 at 12:00 PM EST

Aaaaand we’re on to the finals! After tens of thousands of auditioners, 20 individual episodes, and a glory note from Jermayyy-eee-aay-eee-aay-eee-uhh-nnn-uh Sellers that lasted the entire month of February, American Idol‘s troubling ninth season is down to its Top 12 finalists. Tonight’s utterly horrific action-packed results show brought us a jaunty duet from dueling pianists Scott MacIntyre and #SignMattGiraud, a brutal rendition of Michael Buble’s “Haven’t Met You Yet” sung by 16 Pentium processors (and mouthed by the remaining season 9 semifinalists), and four eliminations that ranged from deeply infuriating to moderately infuriating. [WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD, west-coast readers!] Getting struck by the dull, painful blade of the pre-Top 12 axe tonight were Katelyn Epperly, Lilly Scott, Todrick Hall, and Alex Lambert.

Yes, I will pause so you can process the ridiculousness of that last sentence. And no need to go to your calendar, because we’re still a couple weeks away from April 1. Bottom line: America would prefer another week of Michael Jackson-inspired tremblewarbling** from Paige Miles than to get an outside chance of hearing another “Scientist”-esque performance from Katelyn. And apparently, the Idoloonie nation would prefer to spend its next 11 Tuesdays watching robot-child recitals over authentic acoustic-jazz delights. (Don’t even get me started on Aaron “destined for ninth place” Kelly over Alex “coulda been a contendah!” Lambert. This nonsense is Rated I…for I cahhhn’t!)

With those ousters completed, the six men and six women who’ll be tackling the Rolling Stones songbook next Tuesday night will be (not in order of current Slezak-based favoritism): Crystal Bowersox, Siobhan Magnus, Didi Benami, Lee Dewyze, Michael Lynche, Casey James, Andrew Garcia, Lacey Brown, Tim Urban, Aaron Kelly, Paige Miles, and Katie Stevens.

Anyhow, while I get started on my 2,500-word therapy journal full TV Watch recap (UPDATE: Click over now to read Michael Slezak’s full American Idol season 9 top 12 recap), why don’t y’all head on down to the comments and post your own strongly worded theories about how our nation just messed up its last chance at saving season 9. When you’re done, press play below to view our latest episode of Idolatry (featuring my awesome cohost Jessica Shaw), then sign up to follow me on Twitter @EWMichaelSlezak! (Related: ‘American Idol’ Top 8 Ladies recap: Octo Fuss; ‘American Idol’ Top 8 Men recap: Dudes, Where’s My Star?)

*To answer the question in the headline, that’d be “frak no.”

**New word alert!