'The Real Housewives of Orange County' finale recap: Tamra demands a divorce, Alexa wants a martini
Image Credit: Mitchell Haaseth/BravoThe finale of any proper season of O.C. shenanigans always ends on an outdoor patio, with passed trays of sushi rolls, sparkling chardonnay, and cast members’ gathered families dressed in odd, swishing dresses and unfortunate shirts and dark jeans. Usually it’s a gay enough affair, with the ladies complimenting each others’ hotness and Vicki getting a little sauced. This particular finale though, much like the whole season, showcased the dreary splat of a failed marriage.
Simon behaved like a needling, petty, insecure, angry sumbitch from start to finish. He doesn’t want his wife to dress like she’s 20 years old. He doesn’t want her to dress like she’s single. He doesn’t want her to dress like Lynne. He doesn’t want her breasts hanging out. He doesn’t want her to show too much leg, or too much back, or too much elbow. Tamra picked the most conservative dress she has ever worn in her life — a boxy black shift paired with some nifty scene-stealing shoes — and he was none too pleased. “Cheers to my slutty dress,” she sighed in her closet. We’re used to seeing her roll her eyes over her disapproving man but the weariness of this whole interaction was exhausting for everyone involved. She’s painfully miserable. In the car, the couple fought the way truly unhappy people fight when there are no cameras present. He suggested she was a distracted, often absent mother. She told him to get a job. It ended with Tamra angrily demanding a divorce, and Simon meanly smirking. Outside of the party, he pulled her into a crazy embrace, demanding kisses she would not give, and pronounced that everything in their marriage was peachy so it was her job not to screw it up. If she ever gets bummed that he’s always on her case, maybe she could use that as motivation to change. Simon has officially left the railroad tracks, bound for crazy town.
Donn — mwah! mwah! love you buddy! — gallantly steered Vicki away from Simon’s bitchy glare. I groaned when Tamra later sought out her former BFF to sob about the state of her lousy union. It was an unfair position to put her friend in and would only give Simon further ammunition in his crazed attempt to blame Vicki for their troubles. But her grief was real, and Vicki is a good pillowy presence to lean on. Of course, then Simon sensed betrayal from across the party and tried to wrench his wife away from the conversation. When Tamra didn’t follow after him, pledging her allegiance, he stomped off to go Facebook about his wife’s transgressions.
Why must Alexa take up air? The girls showed up drunk to the party, after apparently sneaking some booze into their Glaceau water bottles on the way over. Lynne doesn’t know what the heck happened. “They were all the way on the other side of the limo,” she said. “And it was a really big limo. I didn’t know what they were getting into.” Raquel finally had enough of her little sister’s loud-mouthed shenanigans so she took off. That, of course, caused Alexa to break down into wounded tears. All she wanted was one martini, guys! Raquel had like 500 drinks, it’s all so miserably unfair. “She’ll be alright,” Lynne warbled to Frank. “She’s going to grow up,” he said happily. I threw the couch pillows at the TV and pronounced my 14-year-old cat, who barfs up every meal, a smarter and more valuable member of society than the lot of them.
Elsewhere at the party, Jim wore what appeared to be a sleeveless white blouse and bullfighter’s vest. He invited Frank to go to church with him and Frank wondered about the presence of donuts. Shane may have been hitting on Alexis. Jeana crimped her hair, which is never a good look for her. Lauri got a little catty with Gretchen but seemed to still be happily married to George, who always gives off a slightly sinister air.
In the end, we discovered that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Alexis is now working for her plastic surgeon, Ryan is unemployed but working on his pecs, Slade is still snipped, and Raquel is forever over it. The season is over and to celebrate its conclusion I poured myself a Manhattan.
What did you all think? Didn’t Simon creep you out? Did you too feel genuine sympathy? Why were Gretchen and Slade dressed as cake-toppers? Is George a force of evil or good? How badly would you ground Alexis’ a–?