'The Real Housewives of Orange County' recap: Who here gives a rat's a- -?
Hubris was flying left and right last night. Tamra wanted to prove her eternal devotion to Simon so she got his name tattooed on her ring finger. “I just hope it’s not the kiss of death,” she giggled to the camera. (Cut to next season when she’s walking around with a jagged “NeedS Money” on said finger.) Simon got all misty when she debuted her new ink — after a mean-spirited build-up where she led Simon and his bike-riding friends to believe that she about to announce news of an affair — and thanked his wife by telling her it was the first unselfish thing she’d done in ages. He probably should’ve just gone with a hug.
Jim chomped on some sliders, dropped $2,985 on a room with a view, and debuted more of his strange fashion sense. His style is Britches Great Outdoors Meets Ed Hardy, with lots of block-colored dress shirts and skull and crossboned hoodies. We learned that he is 15 years older than Alexis, they’ve both been married before, and he likes a woman who is elegant yet also sexy. Sexy elegance if you will. Jim and Alexis went on a weekend getaway to Palm Desert which is where the couple first met five years ago. Turns out his poolside pickup line was “I know you’re either hot or thirsty so which one is it?” (Um, hungry? No, you’re thirsty. But I really want nachos. No, you want to rub suntan lotion on my shaved, spray-tanned back and then you want me to order you a glass of vintage sauvignon that I guarantee will be your new favorite wine. But I’m starving. Nachos aren’t elegant.) At the end of the night Jim and Alexis adjourned to the presidential suite to watch a pay-per-view Left Behind movie. “And you know what comes with a movie,” she unconvincingly winked at the camera. Scantily-clad righteousness!
Lynne, who I definitely do not trust to be on the phone while also behind the wheel of a moving car, planned a dinner party to show off her and Frank’s new home. Simon and Tamra were the first to arrive. The four adults marveled over how nice they all were, too nice even. So honest! So down to earth! So transparent! Then Vicki had to go and show up and did that ever chap Simon’s hide. Tamra was drunk. (“I hear Tamra is kind of a closet drinker,” Gretchen suggested in the episode’s cattiest moment. “I hear she drinks often. But I hear that.”) Inevitably, Tamra tried to get her best buddies to kiss and make up and Simon, who I’m thinking was similarly soused, couldn’t resist telling Vicki to butt out of his marriage. Of course, Vicki went about fanning the flames while simultaneously swearing that she couldn’t give a rat’s a– about their busted relationship. All the while a poor college student bartender just stood there, resisting the urge to whack-a-mole everybody’s head with a Bitch wine bottle. At one point Simon stormed out of the house and Lynne sidled up to the crying blondes. “I’m just an innocent bystander,” she said in the chirpy slur of a drunken mouse. “Cheers? Party!”
Tamra ended up tossing Vicki over the balcony. She wept into Simon’s chest, telling him she wanted to be on his side. During the dinner party, where the producers cleverly arranged it so that Simon and Vicki sat next to each other, the women told stories about meeting their guys. Some were wearing tank tops. Others bikinis. One of them had baby oil on her legs. Vicki was right to be snoring on the inside, even digging her heel into Donn’s calf so that he would announce to the group that his appendix was bursting so they had to cut out early. But she couldn’t resist snoring loudly at the end of the table and bringing up the fact that she works for a living. That was all it took for the rest of the group to turn on her. Donn tried to keep the conversation light but eventually even he was saying he didn’t give a rat’s butt about these people. They left. Vicki cried in the car and told Donn she was so sad.
The very next morning, Frank and Lynne were served an eviction notice. Their daughter collected the papers through a cracked front door and why do I fear that the real drama of their household that day was not the humiliation of unpaid rent but that one of the girls appeared on camera without any makeup.
Next week: Frank declares his wife a space cadet! Alexis glares at Vicki!
What did you all think? Did Gretchen look like she’d been up the whole night crying before her business meeting with Vicki? Do you like Simon? Do you roll your eyes when Vicki cries or feel for her pain?