10 hot topics for the week of Feb. 5, 2010

By Dan Snierson
February 05, 2010 at 05:00 AM EST

1. Taylor Swift gets line of greeting cards
Whether you need to mourn the loss of a Jonas Brother, break up with a werewolf, or tell a mic-grabbing hip-hop star to step off, there’s a Taylor-made card for you.

2. Bachelor Jason Mesnick and runner-up Molly Malaney to have wedding on ABC
”I’m psyched we’re serving salmon at the reception,” said Mesnick. ”No, wait — steak! Definitely steak! It’s not too late to change my mind, right?”

3. TMZ reports ”General” Larry Platt performed ”Pants on the Ground” in aisle during L.A.-to-Atlanta flight
The FAA was fine with this. He returned to his seat 20 minutes before landing and five minutes before his 15 minutes were up.

4. WWE’s Chris Jericho, Greg ”Hurricane” Helms arrested at gas station for alcoholic intoxication, released on $120 bail
Arresting officer released from headlock.

5. ABC says that despite creative resurgence, Ugly Betty won’t return next season
Fans are calling it a real poncho to the gut.

6. Kiefer Sutherland loses $869,000 in alleged scam involving imported cattle
Let’s play a game I call Write the Tabloid Headline. I’ll go first. ”Kief to Thief: Where’s the Beef?” Okay, now you.

7. Gisele Bündchen says giving birth to son ”wasn’t painful, not even a little bit”
In fact, it barely distracted her as she ran a sub-2:30 marathon, solved Lost, and amassed a stockpile of backup umlauts.

8. Teen breaks into Susan Boyle’s home
Neighbors grew suspicious when they saw a boy running down the street with tea cozies, crochet hooks, tabby cats, and a good chunk of the record industry.

9. iPad unveiled to mixed reviews, name jokes
An Apple spokesman laughed off the iTampon cracks, but admitted off-the-record that the device can act erratically around that time of the month.

10. Star Trek snubbed for Best Picture Oscar nomination
Alas, it will not goldly go where no Trek film has gone before.