'Modern Family' recap: The low two

Could last night’s episode of Modern Family been any funnier? I mean, I may as well have transcribed the entire episode, because every line had me practically running to my own Porta-Potty. While the whole clan had their side-splitting moments — hello Cam and Jay’s moon landing, which is apparently not as bad as a splashdown — the Dunphy family stole the evening. Between Haley’s hilarious break-up and makeup with Dylan (and his moronic accidental tribute to Say Anything with an iPhone), to Claire’s jealousy of an ex-coworker (guest-star Minnie Driver who was pretty witty in her own right with her bragging about her many lovers and exclamation that she was head of Europe), to Luke’s shirtless “booze binge” (and don’t even get me started on Phil’s faux mustache or getting trapped in a Porta-Potty), the Dunphys certainly did put the capital D in dysfunction, and I mean that in the best possible way. Speaking of “Phil the Thrill,” every week we seem to learn something new and fantastic about him that makes me love him even more. Last episode we found out he was a male cheerleader (of course!), and this week, we discovered he had his own radio show in college titled “Daybreak with Dunphy.” Priceless.

And Manny came through once again, as he ratted out his mom to Mitchell, who’d been roped into representing her in a traffic accident. Turns out that Gloria is a menace to the streets who can’t take any sort of criticism about her driving. Loved the look of terror on Manny’s face when he went all Deep Throat and pretended to tie his shoelaces to spill the beans that his mother caused the accident. (“That was a mistake. Now she’ll know something’s up,” he muttered when he said that he wasn’t hungry while stalling. “I said too much already.”)

Below is just a sampling of some of the many brilliant quotes of the night.

“Luke, that is very offensive to women. Your mom works very hard, just now she works for us.” -Phil to Luke

Best Mitchell and Cam exchange:

“My dream for him is that one day, he’ll be on the Supreme Court.” – Cam about Mitchell’s lawyering skills

“Why Cam?” -Mitchell (just waiting for the punchline)

“So at parties I can tell people my partner is one of the Supremes.” -Cam

Jay’s best (if slightly offensive) quip of the night: “Part of going to the gym is the locker room atmosphere, and if I’m there with a gay guy, it’s just not gonna be the same. I mean for me it’s a locker room, for him it’s a showroom.” -Jay on going to the gym with Cam

“Some people call me a salesman, I call myself a salesfriend, so obviously I need strangers to trust me. I don’t take it kindly when someone Tom Sellecks my bus bench.” -Phil after discovering that someone drew a mustache on his face on his bus bench ad. Love that he turned Tom Selleck into a verb!

“Just test driving my new soup strainer.” -Phil about his wannabe-Tom Selleck mustache

“Once an old lady yelled at her at a crosswalk—she honked so long the horn ran out.” -Manny about Gloria’s bad driving and her inability to take criticism. How fabulous is Manny by the way?

“Oh sure, when you’re gay you just walk around giving butt bumps to everybody. It’s like a high-five — it’s a low two.” –Cam after Jay says that their butt bump helped Cam’s racquetball game.

And finally, the always-critical parenting lesson of the evening:

“You know how in a fairy tale there’s always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that except you don’t wake up in a castle — you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.” Phil’s response to Alex when she asks what Jägermeister is. See, we’re all learning things!

So what were your favorite lines of the night? What did I miss? And who knew Anne Hathaway could be so controversial?