Can someone please give a show to the brunette in the pink satin headband who pointed out the elephant in the room at Gretchen’s tupperware party. Apparently a gal named Mel had leaned inappropriately into Jim’s chair and prompted the ire of Alexis. Nobody leans on the furniture her man is sitting on as he looks disgustedly at a transvestite pimping multi-colored tupperware sets. She and her husband have not spent a day apart in five years and Alexis is not about to let some dark-haired sprite accost him by the hors d’oeuvres table. Jim, who’d been pounding his chest all evening — “I will not be seen front row center at a tupperware party!” — looked thoroughly aroused by the possibility of his being a wanted man. “It’s hard being me,” he preened to Gretchen, after Mel calmly asked Alexis if she wanted to take their inane conversation outside away from the cameras. (Alexis interpreted this as an invitation to throw down and she is not from Jersey y’all.) Finally Jim told Alexis to pipe down and call it a night. As everyone at the party replayed how Jim had become the source of such tension, Pink Headband spoke truth to power. “Uh, can I just say this? He is not attractive. No one was hitting on her husband.” (Andy Cohen, want me to watch your show? Book that woman!)
Future Housewives Alexa and Raquel went to the beach. Things have been tense between the sisters because sometimes Alexa wants to talk about her new plump lash mascara or whether her belly button ring makes it look like she’s been eating and Raquel is all like “Dude, I’m over it.” Their conversation made me feel sad about today’s youth. Picture them speaking in the drowsy whine of bored, boring overprivileged teens everywhere.
A: I kind of want to go in the water.
R: Then go.
A: You’re so lame.
R: I don’t want to go in the water.
A: You never want to do anything with me.
Can I play youthologist for a day? Okay then, here’s my dime store analysis. Alexa, you need to throw out the midriff shirts and get a job at Borders and put away your damn phone when your parents are talking to you. And if you think you are moving to Los Angeles with any money in your pocket other than your part-time wages from Borders you really do need medication. If you think that’s unfair then it’s your right to tell your parents you hate them and they’re making your life miserable and they don’t understand you and the world doesn’t understand you. Your parents are going to play grown-ups for a change and realize that parenting isn’t a popularity contest and they’re going to stop taking your temper tantrums personally. The child herself said “What the f—? Why aren’t you grounding me?” Ground her a–.
Elsewhere, Tamra and Lynne are suddenly the best of friends and Vicki surprised her colleagues with a treat. No, it wasn’t bonuses or even coffee cake in the conference room. Everybody, regardless of their age, got Botoxed and one unlucky young man was stripped down to his underwear for a spray tan by the copy machine. I’m so happy I work from home.
Next week: Gretchen is unimpressed by Lynne’s ability to breed. Lynne snaps and turns into an angry lion.
What did you all think? Didn’t it seem like Frank was having an even harder time than Lynne taking responsibility of his daughter? Should Gretchen haven taken down the blog that I can’t be bothered to even go read? Wouldn’t you have preferred a nice danish or a Target gift card to a office Botox party?