All good trash must come to an end. Last night saw the final episode of an MTV phenomenon that caught on fire like so much hair spray, and like many wrap-up shows it was a full hour of reconciliation, good vibes, and intense pangs of nostalgia for stuff that happened six-and-a-half days ago. The Situation and Snooki made up (and made out), Ronnie and Sammi toasted to their future, no one was punched in the head, and everyone was forgiven for past transgressions. Call it the Shoreshank Redemption.
That is, of course, until the reunion show, where teeth were bared, secrets were revealed, and drama was milked dry. All the guidos and guidettes were forced to watch recycled clips of themselves at their worst, ostensibly as a memory-refresher, but I like to see it as fleeting revenge from the rest of America, a taste of their own horribly addictive medicine. The always beautiful and always inane Julissa Bermudez presided over the get-together like a patient kindergarten teacher (“Ronnie, tell Sammi what you think she did wrong”) while Sammi had a nervous breakdown and Angelina argued the finer points of monogamy. Plus, everybody ganged up on The Situation over his general je ne sais douche and his tendency to hit on and take home various pieces of ordnance (grenades, grenade launchers, landmines). To which he replied, “You have to walk through the weeds to get to the flowers.” Man, what a poet. Did you know the T.S. in T.S. Eliot stood for “The Situation”?
I, for one, am going to miss this show and all its greasy goodness. It was like my grandmother’s ziti: I can’t stop eating it even though I know it’s bad for me, and it’s so unbelievably cheesy. So here’s the last batch of absurdity from our pals at the Shore, for now. Try not to cry.
Episode 109: “That’s How the Shore Goes”
“I was just wondering if you could bring out your third friend. A total of three. It’d be me, you, and your two girlfriends. And my two roommates” – The Situation, working out some complicated figures.
“It’s gorilla central out there.” – J-WOWW. The hippos are nowhere to be seen.
“I honestly was going to put my hat so people could put their money in.” – Snooki, on her new dancing busker career.
“It’s sort of like a Chuck E. Cheese for dudes.” The Situation, on the arcade/bar the boys went to for Bros Night Out.
“This bond that we share brings us together. No one can ever take that away from us ever, we take that with us for life, that bond….That was deep. That was f—ing deep.” – Pauly D, blowing his own mind (and hair).
“I definitely want to visit Rhode Island.” – The Situation. (I can see it now, Season 2: Newport Beach. The crew all live at a yacht club and Mike is now an investment banker named The Acquisition.)
“You got such good taste in men.” – Pauly, after Vinny compliments him on his good looks.
“If you’re hungry, try a Snickers?” – The Situation, right before trying to eat Snooki’s face.
“This’ll never happen again. We’ll never be in this awesome house, together, again.” – Sammi. So, no second season, I guess. They must have realized that they shouldn’t keep trying to stretch their 15 minutes.
“Maybe we should get a shore house next summer…” – The Situation. Oh, wait…
“Are you TiVo-ing me? I’m on every Thursday.” – The Situation. Don’t worry, Mike. We are.
“He cooked, he cleaned, he did everything my mother does. So he was the woman of the house.” – Vinny, with his longest line of dialogue in the history of the show.
“You’re like, ‘Oh my God, it’s like the Grenade Launcher and Catastrophe.’” – The Situation. Superheroes? Professional wrestlers? A Brooklyn-based indie-pop duo? You pick the joke.
“Don’t animals always travel in herds?” – Ronnie.
“I never will go hungry.” The Situation, doing his best Scarlett O’Hara.
“I’m proud to be Italian. I’m not trying to rep no Jewish.” – Pauly D, walking a thin line.
“Me and him aren’t Superman. We don’t just hook up with pretty girls.” –The Situation. Apparently, the Man in Blue is impervious to both bullets and Grenades.
“I stepped up to the cutting food game. She still does the laundry. But I cut the food” – Vinny, on life with his mother. His life is like Moonstruck, only more depressing.
“Dating a married man, that’s not the right term for it. I was going out with a guy who was in a wrong relationship.” – Angelina. You say adulter-ee, I say adulter-i.
“I cut girls quicker than barbers do.” – Ronnie. And he makes quick, cutting barbs better than anyone.
“I think Ronnie is Happy Feet.” – Snooki, on Ronnie being the best dancer in the house.
So, PopWatchers, what do you think was the best line of the entire series!?
Photo Credit: MTV