Dan Snierson's Hit List

1. Glee hopes to cast Jennifer Lopez as lunch lady
Praying for surprise duet with Adam Sandler.

2. Drew Barrymore forgets to thank boyfriend Justin Long in Golden Globes acceptance speech
PC Guy raises arms in triumph…then dislocates both shoulders. (Dude just can’t catch a break.)

3. Twilight‘s Kellan Lutz vying for lead role in Conan the Barbarian reboot
”It’d be amazing to resurrect Conan,” Lutz said. ”I mean, can you remember the last time you even heard the name Conan in the news?”

4. Shaquille O’Neal sues man who registered trademark for word Shaqtus
As of press time, the phrase ”Shaqtose intolerant” remained up for grabs.

5. Jennifer Love Hewitt says her new book The Day I Shot Cupid includes chapter about ”va-jazzling”
If that sounds gross, you may also wish to skip the next chapter, titled ”Chia Boob.”

6. Heidi Montag undergoes 10 cosmetic surgery procedures in 10 hours
After all that backstabbing on The Hills? Please. This was practically a spa day.

7. DJ in England grants listener’s request, plays Van Halen’s ”Jump” as woman leaps from 30-foot bridge
Relax, she suffered only minor injuries. And in the DJ’s defense, he immediately spun another VH classic: ”Somebody Get Me a Doctor.”

8. Kiefer Sutherland loses bet, wears dress on Late Show With David Letterman
The preceding took place between 12:05 a.m. and 12:12 a.m. Humiliation occurred in real time.

9. Tiger Woods may be planning return to PGA Tour in spring
As he explained: ”Spring is a time for rebirth. And my wireless provider has informed me that I’ll be eligible for a new text plan then.”

10. Lindsay Lohan hangs with Jersey Shore cast at launch party for sex-toy company
Seventy-six paparazzi treated at local hospital for severe elation following the incident.