'The Millionaire Matchmaker' premiere: Haulin' junk

Dear Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker: Please, for the love of sweets-induced sex favors (“If you give a woman chocolate, I bet you get a blowjob”), no more crossovers with A&E’s Hoarders and TLC’s Clean Sweep! Last night’s season premiere featured Nick and Omar, two dudes who clearly weren’t as interested in the bevy of skanks national treasure Patti Stanger and her Millionaires Club had to offer as they were in getting their moving business, College Hunks Hauling Junk (already pimped on Shark Tank), promoted on cable TV. (And now this blog, kind of. No link for you!) Tool of the century Omar fears that women only want him for his money, so it makes total sense that his first stop on the road to dating happiness was Patti. He insisted on bringing his date, Rachel, “on a job” with him to clear some strangers’ crap out of their garage (pictured). The Strange Stange was in her element, warning Omar that “it is not gonna be fun to any girl to haul junk unless she’s an unattractive, desperate zero.”

The most delicious part of this whole mess was when Omar realized a few seconds in that it wasn’t just hot women who didn’t enjoy performing manual labor on dates. It was EVERYONE. Including him. This particular unattractive, desperate zero couldn’t even lift a giant-ass TV, on which we all should have been watching White Collar on USA instead, onto a ramp. “Coochie ain’t gonna get wet, honey, it ain’t gonna happen.” I’m sure this choice string of Patti’s wise words were particularly haunting as Omar announced, while gingerly lifting something more manageable, like a speck of dust on his little finger, “this frickin’ sucks.” Oh, hahaha, and then they arrived at a fancy restaurant and Omar warned the valet, “Please don’t scratch it up.” PLEASE DON’T SCRATCH UP MY JANKY-ASS MOVING TRUCK, you plebe! Omar confessed later that the junk haul was “like the elephant in the room,” but I’m pretty sure the elephant in the room was his overstuffed, plasticized bouquet of roses that Rachel could barely bring herself to touch.

Nick and Dakota had a much better time on their date, taking phone pics of themselves near the Hollywood sign despite being surrounded by video cameras, and eventually kissing after realizing they were both cool with never really seeing each other as they both travel constantly. They are still dating! Rachel, however, decided she was looking for more hunk and less junk. I feel like this entire episode may have existed solely to offer us the preview of Patti saying “When I close my eyes, I see c—k” later in the season.

Have you ever cringed harder at an episode of Millionaire Matchmaker? (And wasn’t it kind of fun?) I realize this is a pretty steep extreme, so take your time to decide.

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