Credit: Claudette Barius

It’s not exactly the American Film Institute’s Top 100 film list or an old-school EW Power List, but that doesn’t mean we can’t parse’s annual list of lust for clues to men’s hearts. The first lesson to be drawn is that men have a short attention span. Of the 99 beauties listed, 44 did not make last year’s countdown. Mouse-clicking affection can be fleeting; just ask Evangeline Lilly, who went from No. 22 in 2009 to completely off the radar this year. Somehow I think she’ll recover. One way to do so, it seems, is to appear in Entourage. Lilly could seek a supporting role, like No. 1 Emmanuelle Chriqui (pictured), or go slumming with Turtle, like No. 99 Jamie-Lynn Sigler. She could flirt with Vince (No. 75 Leighton Meester) or skip the foreplay altogether (No. 71 Sophie Monk). An even faster way to get’s attention is to appear nude on the internet, like No. 42 Kim Kardashian or victimized ESPN reporter Erin Andrews, who was the highest-ranked newcomer on the list, at No. 14.

Lesson #2: Men like children, but not too many. Mothers like No. 33 Salma Hayek and No. 28 Heidi Klum are well represented, but how else to explain Angelina Jolie’s modest ranking at No. 88?

Lesson #3: Men are not watching Friday Night Lights. WTF, guys! I could and will someday write a treatise on the amazingly talented and beautiful actresses (Connie Britton, Minka Kelly, Aimee Teegarden, Adrianne Palicki) that make their hidden gem of a show sizzle. But I shouldn’t have to: The show is about football and beautiful women!

Lesson #4: Men sometimes prefer petite to voluptuous (at least in the contest between Mad Men‘s ladies, No. 18 January Jones and No. 58 Christina Hendricks).

Lesson #5: Men are idiots. But like the previous four “lessons,” you knew that already.

Did’s list teach you anything you didn’t already know about us cretins? How many times did you have to ask yourself, “Umm, who is she?” Do you think if women voted for the Top 99 Men that it would be any less superficial than’s results?

Photo Credit: Claudette Barius

Episode Recaps

  • TV Show
  • 8