Yes, I was at the Golden Globes, but I feel as if I haven’t seen the show. That’s because the backstage press room is its own strange beast, and an impossible exercise in multitasking. Monitors are set up so reporters can watch the ceremony as it unfolds a few hundred feet away, but as soon as those winners start appearing backstage, forget about trying to pay attention to the actual show. Look, there’s Meryl Streep, whom you’ve seen your whole life as a larger-than-life acting goddess projected onto a screen, and now she’s standing right in front of you. There’s only one word to describe such a sensation: surreal.

The press room also offers a revealing glimpse into the personalities of these award winners. Who’s clearly having the most fun? Who wishes he was anywhere but here? And who stares off into the distance while everyone in the room tries to avoid eye contact with him? (Okay, that would be Mike Tyson). There’s really only one way to answer these questions, and that’s by presenting the 2nd Annual EW Backstage Awards. Patience, T-Bone Burnett, the results will be revealed right after the jump:

Most Entertaining Marital Relationship: Robert Downey Jr. After being asked about how his wife, Susan Downey, had told him that Matt Damon was going to win in the Best Actor (Musical/Comedy) category, Downey Jr. looked over to Mrs. Downey and saw her frowning. “Oh no, she’s grimacing,” said Downey Jr. “Let me make sure I am not doing something wrong. Just keep a microphone on her because this is going to be interesting!” Mr. and Mrs. Downey then discussed the matter, with them concluding that it was actually the Oscar prognosticators, and not Mrs. Downey, who were predicting Damon to win. Downey Jr. made his wife wince a second time when he was asked if he’d ever direct or write a film in the future. “I feel like I am doing that already and am just not being credited,” Downey Jr. jokingly responded. “I’m sorry. My wife is looking at me like I’m such a p—k!”

Most Anxious to Leave the Press Room: Christoph Waltz. After briefly answering three questions, Waltz dismissed himself by saying, “Thank you very much. It was fun.”

Hug of the Night: Jeff Bridges congratulated Christoph Waltz with a hearty man hug. Two of modern cinema’s most indelible characters — The Dude and The Jew Hunter — united at last. What a sight!

Most Memorable Answer: Mo’Nique. When asked for her take on the Oscar buzz for her Precious performance, Mo’Nique responded: “Any time someone says, ‘We want to honor you for a performance,’ you are a kid. All of us are nothing but kids in here with grown-up faces living out our dreams. So I am excited about it. I am excited about the little girl that practiced in the mirror with a brush in her hand and a towel wrapped around her body for her gown.”

Number of Questions about Jon Hamm’s New Beard: Three. One reporter asked Hamm, “What’s with pulling the Brad Pitt?” Hamm’s response: “I’m not sure what ‘pulling the Brad Pitt’ means. That could be very, very filthy.” And how is it affecting his love life? “Amazingly.”

A Class Act: Michael C. Hall, who announced last week that he was undergoing treatment for Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Hall was a delight in the press room, and he addressed the issue of his health with both honesty and humor. “When it’s a matter of health, it is very much a personal matter,” Hall said. “I had every intention of keeping it quiet, but because the award shows were imminent, I figured I’d make a statement. It was also nice to assure people that I was really on the road to recovery, and it is nice to sort of have a justifiable excuse for accessorizing,” Hall joked while pointing to the black head wrap he was wearing.

Too Much Information: Mike Tyson, who was asked about why he decided to appear in The Hangover. “(Director) Todd Phillips said, ‘This is going to be the biggest movie. So many girls, you have to do this,'” said Tyson. Phillips leaned into the microphone and added, “Those were private conversations!”

Protector of the Dogs: Sandra Bullock, who has rescued both a three-legged and a two-legged dog. “We were just showing Emily Blunt pictures of the two-legger, and I don’t know if she was horrified or what,” Bullock said. “Any dog that is missing something is welcome in our house. If it has four legs and is perfectly okay, it has got to have some emotional problems.”

Most in Need of an Editor: James Cameron. The ambitious director had a lot to say, and five minutes later after saying it, he’d realize that he had just delivered a dissertation in lieu of a succinct answer. But if anyone has earned the right to speak his mind, it’s Cameron. One of his lengthy responses revolved around the accusation that Avatar was an anti-military movie. “It is anti the inappropriate use of military force,” Cameron stated. “Our main character is a former Marine, and everything about him celebrates the Marine Corps and their value system. He is a hero, a man of great courage throughout the film, and he actually evinces the qualities that the Marine Corps are teaching their men now. I can’t think of a better tribute to the American fighting man than to make the main character of our multi-hundred-million-dollar movie a former Marine.”