'Jersey Shore': Hook-ups, left hooks, and the best lines from last night

Last night was a back-to-back double dose of the Shore, and, continuing one of the show’s many proud traditions, both episodes ended with somebody’s hand connecting to somebody else’s face. For a show about vacation and leisure at the beach, there has been a lot more punching in and around the head area than I would have first expected. These people can’t tie their shoes or spray their tans without running nose-first into someone’s outstretched fist.

And while some were getting punched, others were getting punchy. The Situation and Pauly D, giggling fitfully like a pair of preteen girls high on glitter and orange soda at a slumber party, placed a bowl of their signature “haterade” (made with cheese, milk, mayonnaise, pickle juice, and a dash of love) under Vinny’s bed in the hope that it would sour and smell up the room, although Mike’s belief that this concoction was “best served cold” makes me doubt his previously unimpeachable understanding of bacterial microbiology.

Since I don’t know where else to mention it, I would like to take this space to point out that the dial-a-duck might be one of the greatest elements of any reality show, ever. Its low insistent quack that instills dread in those trying to avoid calls, its glowing red eye that makes it look like some sort of demonic hell-mallard, and finally its continuing, and winning, battle against the housemates, who still haven’t figured out how to hang it up, all make it one of the most engaging, and intelligible, characters on the show. To heck with Snooki, I want to see the phone get its own spin-off. Lord love a duck!

But despite its greatness, the phone isn’t nearly as quotable as our fair septet. So here’s some absurdity courtesy of the Jersey-ites:

EPISODE 107: “What Happens in The AC”

“I’ve been with goats, sheep, cows, horses. That’s all.” – Snooki, momentarily forgetting her recent experiences with hippopotami

“Don’t worry, you got a couple.” – The Situation, after the weight-sensitive Snooki asks for a roll

“I’m saving myself for cowboy” – Snooki

“I don’t even understand that religion, what it is, I just want to get to the business.” – Pauly D, on the Israeli girl he brought home, as klezmer music plays in the background

“You like your girls like you like your underwear: Dirty.” – Pauly D, to The Situation

“I feel like a cooking turkey” – Snooki, whose roasted skin color makes her look like one, too

“Calm down, Popeye” – Ronnie, to The Situation, leading to Sammi’s follow-up: “Big arms, little body!”

“Honestly, what you just said, you deserve to get punched in the face,” – J-WOWW, trying to defend Snooki to The Situation with a poor choice of words

“Me and Sam actually leave around four o’clock. I mean, I couldn’t take it anymore. We’ve been here since 12 o’clock, five hours is, like, enough.” – Ronnie, the human calculator

EPISODE 108: “One Shot”

“If you leave, I’m going to stuff your f—ing nose with tampons” – Snooki, with Part I of the episode’s nose-stuffing comments

“I’m not trashy, unless I drink too much.” – Snooki

“Pauly D has a little situation on his hands.” – Vinny. I hope that isn’t anything like the “Little Pauly” he showed J-WOWW

“Everything is copastetic” – Vinny, doing an impression of The Situation

“She likes pickles in her mouth, but pickles in her nose is just as good.” – The Situation, with Part II

“Yes I was up on the balcony with three chicks. And three dudes. Did I do anything? No!” – Pauly D, resisting temptation on all fronts

“It goes back to the days of prehistoric kindergarten.” – The Situation, paleontologist

“I understand that you look to me as a father figure.” – The Situation, to J-WOWW

What were YOUR favorite lines from last night’s episodes?