The bullseye: Jan. 22, 2009

HITS
· Nobody puts Conan O’Brien in a corner.
· Kathy Bates to guest-star on The Office. Watch your ankles, Michael Scott.
· Fans scour the cool opening credits of Big Love for clues. We think we might have spotted a smoke monster.
· Lady Antebellum. Cute as a box of puppies — that can sing. Can’t wait for their new album this month.
· Betty White to star on a new sitcom. Wait, isn’t the name Cougar Town already taken?
· Ke$ha’s ”Blah Blah Blah” is anything but.

NEAR MISSES
· Posthumous Jimi Hendrix album. Can’t wait for Tupac to remix it.
· The Bachelor‘s Jake Pavelka: Show-off. We can count to six too.
· Cher and Christina Aguilera filming Burlesque. The gayest movie ever — or at least the one with the biggest wig budget.
· Jessica Biel climbs Mount Kilimanjaro. As close to 7th Heaven as she’ll ever get again.
· Small Wonder on DVD. Enjoy the years before Vickie the robot was sold for parts to IBM.
· We think we have it straight: Tobey Maguire to judge American Idol. Conan O’Brien to play Spider-Man. And Simon Cowell to replace Snooki on Jersey Shore.

MISSES
· If Dwayne Johnson is the tooth fairy, then get us our pliers.
· Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson reportedly to wed. Let’s throw them a shower. With water. And soap.
· Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin get reality show. Looking forward to the spin-off starring her lips.
· Heidi Montag compares her new album to Thriller. And Bullseye is Chekhov.