'Modern Family' recap: How much is that doggie butler hanging out the window?

For you, sirs? It’s free. No, take it. Someone please take the hideous butler dog. Last night’s episode of Modern Family, “Not in My Home,” revolved around household anomalies treasured by one party and reviled by others: Barkley the Dog Butler at Jay and Gloria’s, a nudie pic promoting agribusiness at Phil and Claire’s, and a troubled gardener at Mitchell and Cam’s. As usual, hilarious dialogue abounded but my favorite parts were the sweet bonding moments among the family — you know, when they bitch and moan (to our delight) for nearly half the scene before realizing how alike they sound and how maybe their respective relationships aren’t so bad after all. I loved the heart-to-heart Claire and Mitchell shared over an invigorating beaded comb sheath crafting session at Luke’s birthday party, for example. Anyway, this time, it was Jay and Mitchell who decided to focus on how good they had it with their unlikely spouses. “Just drop it, kid,” Jay told his son. “We’re both with people different from us, and that’s gonna create stuff. But you want different.” Awwww! These stop-and-think moments resonate with me the most, even if we’ve heard them before. But it’s not like you wanna go around quoting THAT all day, so after the jump, I’ve listed some of last night’s best lines. If I missed your favorite, beam it up to the dirty old Internet “like a torpedo” in the comments!

“You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.” –Phil, to Claire, who’s horrified by an online photo of “the woman with the biggest boobs I have ever seen driving a tractor.” (You see, there’s a guy at work who sends out these links. Gil Thorp.)

“I don’t know, he comes when we need him. He’s like Batman, but straight.” –Cameron to Mitchell re: their gardener, “Caesar Salazar,” who would like to make water in their bed. “He is a human being!” “….Named Caesar Salad.”

“I could be a chump, do the usual, give the money back to the casino. Or I could do something for myself and get something from the casino store.” –Jay, who really stuck it to the man by purchasing Barkley, a.k.a. The Dog Butler, a.k.a. El Diablo, a.k.a. “an unholy mix between man and beast.” As a sidenote, I love when TV dogs are named Barkley because it’s fun to be reminded of Big Bird in China/Japan.

“You’re just mad at the old balls and chain.” –Jay, to Mitchell, who brought “little fortune cookie” Lily by the pool. Mitchell’s cringe right after Jay mentioned Barkley was definitely my favorite Reaction Face of the episode. Sometimes, those are just as important! There’s another gem when Mitchell opens the door and comes face to face with Barkley.

“Mangia!” –Phil. (Three pizzas for five people including three miniature, skinny ones = sweet deal!)

“He lost his monocle on the drive. Head was out the window.” Jay, re: Barkley. “Well, they love that,” chimed in a sympathetic Cameron.

“You’re all the porn I need.” Phil, to Claire. I found this rather romantic. Sometimes Phil shows astounding levels of ma-toor-ity…

Your turn!

Follow Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett