The bullseye: January 15, 2009

HITS
Sandra Bullock: new box office goddess. We’ll forget Speed 2 ever happened. Best breakup song of the year (so far): Orianthi’s ”According to You” Three reasons we love Carol Leifer. (1) She was a Seinfeld writer. (2) She recently penned a great book. (3) She’s going to kick butt on The Celebrity Apprentice. If Lost and Ally McBeal got drunk, hooked up, and had a kid, the result would be Being Erica on SOAPnet. Billy Dee Williams ”Tiger Woods Mistress Commemorative Plate Collection” skit on Jimmy Kimmel Live. It’s on YouTube. Jack from 24 is back in Manhattan. He’s gruff. He’s rude. He’ll fit right in.

NEAR MISSES
Just when we thought Michael Cera was getting all samey-samey, he gets a Jersey Shore makeover from Pauly D! Rosie O’Donnell lands a new girlfriend, the only other woman who loves decoupage, Exit to Eden, Betty Rubble, and Seussical the Musical. Heroes most pirated show of 2009; as if the eye patches, parrots, and pantaloons weren’t enough proof that pirates have bad taste. Elton John and Eminem: Oh, to be a fly on the wall. Lorenzo Lamas and Debbie Gibson’s Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is one of the most viewed movie trailers of 2009. Way to go, humanity!

MISSES
Pam Ewing turns 60 — now old enough to play Miss Ellie. Ooof. Dawson (James Van Der Beek) joins the cast of Mercy as a doctor. Someone’s career needs a defibrillator. Dear female celebrities (especially Jennifer Lopez): Stop wearing catsuits unless you are playing Catwoman. xoxo, Bullseye The Bachelor contestant who said, ”You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime.” And seemed to mean it.