After thoroughly eviscerating the 2009 People’s Choice Awards, I was honored (possibly not the correct word) to be asked by my editors if I would watch and comment on this year’s ceremony. And while I do not believe I deserve any credit or thanks — send your notes of gratitude to whoever hired Survivor producer Mark Burnett — I am thrilled to announce that the 2010 People’s Choice Awards were at least 47 percent less utterly moronic than their predecessor. In fact, it is possible I legitimately enjoyed entire seconds of the broadcast.

Because of this enjoyment, and because I am, in fact, a People, I have decided to hand out my own series of awards, interspersed with the actual televised results, after the jump. You can get the full list of winners, scads of which (including “Favorite Animal Show”) did not appear on the telecast, at I have been told you can also register your preference for everything else on earth somewhere on the site, and that people who feel powerless in their own lives achieve a sense of purpose in doing so. The rest of us just blog. Onward!

Favorite Incredibly Disturbing Lyric

“All the best will win awards / the losers will be bound and gagged like spies on 24.” — Queen Latifah’s opening number

(Runner-up: “You can run but you can’t hide from the People’s Choice Awards.” — Queen Latifah’s opening number)

Favorite Way To Reference Twilight Phenomenon Without Making Entire Show About Twilight Phenomenon

Actually pretty funny parody in which Queen Latifah tries to get Edward Cullen to appear on the 2010 People’s Choice Awards

Favorite Moment In Actually Pretty Funny Twilight Parody

“I’ll just get the werewolf to do the show.” — Queen Latifah

Favorite Thing That Looks Awfully Vaginal

Favorite Comedy Movie

The Proposal

Favorite Moment of Total Honesty

“You don’t care what I have to say.” – The Proposal director Anne Fletcher, after being summoned to the mic by Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock

Favorite Thing That Made Me Long For Bryan Adams

The world premiere commercial for the upcoming Robin Hood remake

Favorite Reason Why The Show Had To Start At 9 p.m.

Cloris Leachman, dressed in bondage gear, engaging in a threesome as the punchline to a not-totally-embarrassing Paranormal Activity parody

(Runners-up: Paula Patton’s drug dealer joke; George Lopez; everyone sexually harassing Taylor Lautner)

Favorite Person Who Is Incapable Of Leaving The House Without Something Shiny On

Rascal Flatts singer Gary LeVox (possibly not his real name)

Favorite R&B Artist

Mariah Carey

Favorite Personal Assistant

Nick Cannon

(Runners-up: Nicole Kidman)

Favorite Local News Commercial That Could Have Been Referring To Tonight’s Show But Wasn’t

“Mariah Carey’s bizarre acceptance speech! Tonight, at 11.”

Favorite TV Comedy Actor

Steve Carell

Favorite Acceptance Speech Gag Ever, Tragically Wasted On A Slow Room

“That’s what she said.” — Steve Carell

Favorite TV Comedy Actress

Alyson Hannigan

Favorite TV Comedy

The Big Bang Theory

Favorite Introduction

“Please welcome, from The Forgotten, Christian Slater.”

Favorite Performance Of A Song That Was Performed On The Exact Same Stage Just Over A Month Ago

Mary J. Blige, “I Am”

Favorite Person I Was Shocked To See In The Audience Because I’d Already Gotten A Press Release About Carrie Underwood Winning Favorite Country Artist

Taylor Swift

Favorite Category I Forgot About

Favorite Female Artist

Favorite Country Artist

Carrie Underwood

Favorite TV Actor

Hugh Laurie

Favorite Use Of The Moat Monster From Willow

The world premiere commercial for Clash of the Titans

Favorite Most Horrifying Moment In Awards Show History

Slowly realizing what George Lopez meant by “Mr. Skin”

(Runner-up: Thinking about George Lopez and “Mr. Skin” in relation to his sexual harassment of Taylor Lautner)

Favorite Movie Actress

Sandra Bullock

Favorite Reason Why I Love Sandra Bullock

Her ability to immediately negate the horror of George Lopez

Favorite Rumor Sparked By The 2010 People’s Choice Awards

Sandra Bullock slept with Tiger Woods

Favorite Action Star

Hugh Jackman

Favorite Independent Movie

Inglourious Basterds

Favorite Transition From Indifference To Deafening Pandemonium

Inglourious Basterds actors Eli Roth, Diane Kruger, and B.J. Novak awarding Favorite Breakout Movie Actor to Taylor Lautner

Favorite Breakout Movie Actor

Taylor Lautner

Favorite CVS Commercial

kill me

Favorite Male Artist

Keith Urban

Favorite Least Favorite Thing Keith Urban (Whose Yearly Income, When Combined With That Of His Wife Nicole Kidman, Could Probably Get China Off Our Backs) Has Ever Said

“I don’t care if you download [my music] illegally and give it to your friends.”

Favorite “Musical Performance” I Totally Fast-Forwarded Through

Former-joke-band-assembled-for-the-benefit-of-Snakes-on-a-Plane-soundtrack Cobra Starship (f. Pussycat Doll)

Favorite Web Celeb

Ashton Kutcher

Favorite Web Celeb Who Really Did Deserve Their Award

Ashton Kutcher, who UStreamed his entire evening, including his acceptance speech

Favorite New TV Drama

Vampire Diaries

Favorite New TV Comedy


Favorite New TV Comedy Acceptance Speech Totally Bastardized By Product Placement


Favorite Pizza I Will Never Eat Again


Favorite Only Redeeming Quality Of Above Two Awards

The looks of dread on the faces of the cast of Glee as they marched inextricably towards DiGiorno’s product placement

Favorite Female Artist

Taylor Swift

Favorite Snarky Comment You Knew Was Coming About Taylor Swift

Must be saving her astonishment for the Grammys

Favorite Uncharacteristically Earnest Moment That Still Did Not Accomplish Goal Of Getting Me To Text Them $10

Commercial for Children’s Safe Drinking Water campaign

Favorite Actor of the Decade

Johnny Depp

Favorite Introduction for Johnny Depp

“Johnny Depp doesn’t follow trends, he creates them. He singlehandedly made being a pirate fashionable again. Which is great, unless you’re sailing an oil tanker off the coast of Somalia. Also, his harrowing documentary about the late 19th century confectioner, Sir William Wonka, has made it acceptable once again for creepy middle-aged men to approach children and offer them candy. Thank you for that, Johnny. Later this year, his starring role in Alice in Wonderland will hopefully make it acceptable for creepy middle-aged men to invite young girls around for tea, and offer them hallucinogenic drugs. Thanks again, Johnny. Johnny’s dedication to research for every role he does is immense. Prior to Pirates of the Caribbean, he spent almost six weeks at a Sandals resort in Barbados. And for Corpse Bride…it’s better you don’t know what he did. Ladies and gentlemen, he’s the greatest character actor of his generation, and he is the most popular movie star in the world for good reason. It is my great pleasure to award Favorite Actor of the Decade to Mister Jonathan Depp.” — Sacha Baron Cohen

Favorite Reason Why Johnny Depp Is An Actor By Trade As Opposed To Something That Requires Extemporaneous Speaking

“Bless you so much. Bless you. First of all, I think — bless your heart, thank you — I’m gonna have to thank Sacha Baron Cohen, the great Sacha Baron Cohen, for not, um, verbally decimating me here tonight. So thank you, Sacha. Well. Here we are. Oh, so sweet. Thank you. I am deeply humbled by this great honor, which comes from you, the people, which means everything to me, certainly, it means everything to us all. Because the only reason any of us are up here is, is because of you. So thank you for that, all of you. It has been quite an amazing decade. Incredible ride. And I sincerely thank you all for bestowing upon me all your great treasures. Thank you. Thank you so much. Good night.” — Johnny Depp’s acceptance speech

Favorite People’s Choice Awards Acceptance Speech Cliché

“The only reason any of us are up here is because of you.”

(Runners-up: “This is for the fans”; “This means everything to me”; any and all references to “The People”)

Your turn, PopWatchers. Got any awards of your own?

More People’s Choice Awards:

New Moon
  • Book