'Heroes' recap: I'm Sad That I'm Flying

Last night was a Heroes two-parter. You would think that in two hours there would have been a whole lot of plot momentum. Incorrect! Instead, half of the first hour was Hiro babbling incoherently in a language composed purely of nerdish cross-references to Star Wars, Highlander, X-Men, and Don Quixote. (One of these things: not like the other!) “It’s like someone took a shabu spoon and stirred up his fanboy brain!” said Ando, winning the prize for single worst line of dialogue ever. Apparently, the whole purpose of this subplot was to (A) get Hiro and Ando back together, and (B) remind the brain-damaged Hiro that he left Suresh in a Florida mental institution a few episodes ago. I’m ninety percent sure we already saw the three of them escape in Samuel’s speech-montage in the fall finale. Which means nothing about this subplot mattered at all.

We also got lots of fun stuff with Synaesthetic Emma. We thought her ability was just to see sound. We were wrong! Actually, she can make people come to her just by thinking about them and playing her cello. (The Heroes wiki has yet to come up with the scientific term for this power, and they’re wimping out with “Enhance Synaesthesia.” May I suggest “Advertosynaesthetic Cellobiosis”?)

Samuel needed her help to track down yet another superpowered individual, a hobo who can make plants grow real good. (He hangs out in Central Park. Nice touch.) This led to a cool little scene where the Magical Hobo Gardener turned a stretch of desert into a groovy little garden. No doubt this seriously upset the desert ecosystem and killed an entire species of scorpions. But who cares? Scorpions are lame.

Also, Claire was sneaking around the carnival, closely followed by our funny friend, the Multiplicator. (“Aren’t you on beautification duty? Why don’t you run along and beautify?”) When he followed her into the Hall of Mirrors, I was all set for a kooky-surreal Lady from Shanghai­-style showdown, but then Claire basically just snuck up on him and knocked him out with a stool. (This season’s newest mystery: Why is there a stool in the Hall of Mirrors?) I’d love to do a graphical analysis of how many times people on this show have had someone sneak up on them and knock them out. I’d bet the count is in the hundreds by now.

(Fun fact: The first hour of the night, “Upon This Rock,” was directed by Ron Underwood, who directed Tremors, Mighty Joe Young, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, and now the worst ever episode of Heroes. Downward spiral, carry me away!)

The second hour was better, if only because it didn’t feature lobotomized Hiro. “Let it Bleed” found Peter seeking out danger as a way to avoid thinking about his dead brother. The plot here was a bit ludicrous; he runs into an office building where a deranged former employee is holding hostages. (In the Heroesverse, suicide and homicide are the only appropriate responses to downsizing.) He ended up getting shot.

Claire, who tagged along as the voice of reason during this little misadventure, rightfully pointed out that Peter was turning himself into a “human pin cushion.” I think this is the only remotely interesting main character plot right now. I like the idea that Peter, who has always felt driven to be a hero, will now relentlessly pursue justice as some kind of depression-avoidance mechanism.

In fact, I can’t believe I’m about to say that, but it’s my duty as a recapper to point this out: Milo Ventimiglia – goofy-haired, mock-raspy Milo Ventimiglia – is the most compelling actor on this show now. (Zachary Quinto is great, but Sylar’s character arc is nonsensical and I get the vibe that Quinto is anxious to move on to bigger, better, Spockier things.)

Also, this happened: Noah interrogated Edgar. Edgar was going to attack him. Then he was going to help launch an attack on the carnival. Then he decided not to, and ran off. I just saved twenty minutes of your life.

What did you think of the two-parter, my fellow misbegotten Heroes viewers? Were you moved to tears or annoyance by the endless slow-mo Petrelli funeral? (I wonder if out-of-wedlock children show up at Kennedy funerals, too.) Does Samuel’s plan make any sense to you yet? Did you like having Sylar back to his old self? He had one line that seemed to sum up this season: “Everybody’s got big plans for me. I think that’s all they have.”