In a perfect world, Conveyor Belt of Love would be the most utterly convenient set up a girl could ask for. The men coming down the conveyor belt for my viewing pleasure would all be tuxedo-clad, tall, good-looking cogs, ready for molding into the perfect man. But this is reality television and all the men on Conveyor Belt are freaks.

OK, perhaps that’s harsh, but the men featured in last night’s special premiere fell largely into three categories: Men who try too hard (like the one who described himself as the Filipino Criss Angel or the man who did the turkey call), artistic d-bags who take themselves and their faux talent too seriously (like the guy who recited a poem about taking a milk bath), and the creepy aggressive ones who try to talk their way out of being rejected.

In this special (more episodes might follow pending ratings and reaction…ha!), we were introduced to five ladies who were looking for (ahem) love. Thirty men were then placed on the CBOL for their viewing pleasure, given 60 seconds to impress, and each lady was allowed to pick one man to take them on a follow-up date (indicated by holding up signs that said ”interested” or ”not interested”). If one man got two ladies to say ”interested,” he was then given the power to choose with whom he went on a date.

One of the men used his allotted time to play the ukulele, another came out in a Speedo holding a fluffy dog. One of the ladies actually took him – and the dog – all the way to the date portion of the show. Men of substance were not on the menu. The one promising fellow – a decent-looking, successful engineer wearing my personal hot guy uniform: a collared shirt underneath a sweater – was swapped out by one of the girls for a man wearing an animal-tooth necklace.

Largely, the hour was taken up by quippy insults provided by the resident Tila Tequila wannabe, awkward come-ons, and a parade of men you really don’t want to believe actually exist in the world (but we all know they do).

The last seven or so minutes of the oddly paced show gave us a glimpse into the dates that followed the conveyor belt. The Speedo man and the Tila impersonator found a spark (but I don’t need a crystal ball to tell me how it’s going to end), another couple shared a kiss, one man was scared off after his date mentioned marriage about a dozen times, another girl learned the hard way that she probably should have stuck with the engineer, and one surprisingly aww-worthy moment happened when a portly sommelier named Erich (who impersonated Chris Farley during his 60 seconds) found an unlikely bond with one of the girls. I’m a sucker for oddball love.

If Conveyor Belt (and its contestants) tried a little less hard to beg for my attention and focused more on off-beat stories of love, I might continue watching. Otherwise, not interested.

What about you? Did you watch CBOL? Would you date any of those guys? Also, what’s your advice to ABC? Can this show be saved? Sound off below!