The 10 hottest topics for 2009

By Scott Brown
Updated December 18, 2009 at 05:00 AM EST

1. Nicolas Cage is found to owe millions in back taxes — and to own multiple private islands
Those ”treasure” scenes from National Treasure were pretty much shot in his crawl space, after a weekend QVC bender.

2. Robert Pattinson keeps insisting he can’t get a date
And I keep insisting that he shut the @$%! up with his ”can’t get a date” crap.

3. Larry King spars with gay-marriage-opposing, sex-tape-making former Miss California Carrie Prejean
Finally, an intellectual battle stimulating enough to get King up off his elbows.

4. Miley Cyrus criticized for pole dancing at Teen Choice Awards
Where else do you expect her to do it? Her home pole isn’t even regulation.

5. Lindsay Lohan fashion line debut features ”drop-crotch pants,” ”old-fashioned…fur stoles,” and ”tasteless sequin pasties”
Explained Lohan: ”It’s more than a collection. It’s a mid-budget road production of The Rocky Horror Show.”

6. Octomom TV special fails
But give her a year, and she’ll give birth to a whole new viewership demo.

7. John Stamos says he’s working on a Full House movie idea
He described the setup: ”Little Michelle’s all grown up and more famous than Uncle Jesse. It’s a tragedy. Almost Lear-like, really.”

8. Paris Hilton updates ”that’s hot” to ”that’s huge”
So there you have it — the slogan of a dawning age, and the new password to all of Paris Hilton’s online accounts.

9. Tom DeLay hobbled with bad feet, but still competes on Dancing With the Stars; fellow DWTS celeb Jewel bows out with leg fractures
Heading off the backstage meet-cute America was hoping for.

10. Playgirl says it won’t publish alleged nude photos of scandal-plagued Tiger Woods
So we get an eyeful of Levi Johnston but no Tiger? My God, don’t we value achievement in this country?